Don’t Lose Yourself In The Hatred Of Others
Stay away from people who gossip and spread rumors. They are choosing the path of emotional bullying and negativity.
– Dr Steve Maraboli
This is a really profound quote. It really struck a chord in my heart because I so resonated with the underlying truth. Really sit with the words, “tell me why they were so comfortable to say what they were saying to you”. It is really a hard thing to sit with. I think that we have all been told gossip. Some has been quite mean and spiteful. It can be painful even to hear, especially if is about someone we care about. What did that person really tell you what they had heard?
Be careful who you trust, if someone will discuss others with you, they will certainly discuss you with others.
So what does it say about me, that someone might come to me with some “juicy” gossip that they are spreading about someone I know. What signals am I broadcasting that they think I want to join in and be a part of something like that? How am I telling them that I love the drama of someone else’s downfall?
It’s not your job to stop them from talking behind you, but it’s your job not to let it affect you.
People for the most part will not say to you a mean or hurtful thing about someone that you really care about. People for the most part will not gossip with someone that they know won’t put up with it.
A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talk to each other instead of about each other.
There are some minor exceptions to this rule, like my father in-law. Years ago we were staying with my in-laws waiting for the closing on our home. I had went up to the kitchen to get something and he was there. He went off on a tear down of his son, about how he was a disappointment , that all of my father in-laws failures could be traced back to his children. He said mean, hurtful cruel things about his son. Finally he ran out of steam, and I just looked at him and said, “so what kind of response are you looking for here? Why are you telling me these things? I love my husband and he isn’t anything like the son that you are describing”, and walked away. He is the exception to the rule because he is so unhappy in his life, and he doesn’t want to take responsibility for how it has turned out, so he goes around trying to tear you down to his level. The only thing you can do with someone who has a toxic personality is limit the exposure to them.
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Years ago I adopted the saying, “not my movie, not my drama”, for when people that I work with start down the road of tearing down someone in their life. My sister says, “not my circus, not my monkeys”. I try very hard not to join in or be around those kinds of conversations. If they won’t let the conversation be turned to something positive, then I excuse myself and walk away.
Someone who hates you normally hates you for one of three reasons. They either see you are a threat. They hate themselves. Or they want to be you.
What we need in our lives is more positive conversations; more love shown in both our words and out actions. More up building and less tearing down. More compassion and less drama. More celebrating of the positive accomplishments of people and less glorification of the tragedy that takes someone out.
I’m not going to tear you down . . . if you’re bad-mouthing me, you’re already down.
– Dr. Steve Maraboli
This even plays out in the feedback we provide around customer service. How fast are we to complain to someone in charge when we are not treated the way we want, but do we have the same rate of speed to ask for someone in charge to praise a persons excellent customer service in taking care of you?
Talking badly about someone else while they aren’t there to defend themselves says more about you than the person you’re talking about.
This quote takes it a little deeper for me that just avoiding the “drama queens”. It says that the quality of the conversations that I am part of is due in some part (large or small) to what I am attracting – knowingly or unknowingly. Gives me a slice of a shadow that I didn’t realize might still be there to work on rooting out.
I know this will seem a bit crazy, but if you want to know something about me, the best person to ask, is me.
When I was in high school, I was invited to a slumber party. I didn’t know the girl well. I was new to the school, and desperate to fit in. There was another new girl at school that was also invited. I am really embarrassed about what happened next. The girls had a game where as each person would fall asleep they would start gossiping about that person. I joined in, even though I didn’t really know any of them. I can remember saying stuff about the other new girl, Denise. Then feeling guilty I pretended to fall asleep so that I didn’t feel like I had to participate. Of course, you know what happened next. They started in our me. As soon as I could leave without anyone noticing I did. I walked several miles home, at 3 AM crying the entire way. I felt horrible for what I did and how they made me feel when they started in on me. The next day I called Denise and apologized for what I had said. Denise and I ended up becoming best friends. It was a life changing moment for me. I never wanted to feel like that again, and I certainly never wanted to hurt someone like that again.
Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity. No matter what they do or say, don’t you doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. Just keep shining like you always do.
So remember your life purpose. Tell your story, your voice matters, yes it is important. You were born to make an impact. Pursue your dreams. Negative people need drama like oxygen. Stay positive. It will take their breath away. Remember what the grandmothers used to say, “Birds peck at the best fruit”.
Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity . . .
– Gilda Radner