The Unending Silence of Grief

This blog is a little heart rendering, so I am warning you ahead of time.  It might be the one you need, and it might be the one you want to avoid.

I thought I knew what grief is all about.  My mom died from cancer when I was in my 30’s.  I was one of the primary caregivers the last three months of her life.  It was a wonderful gift to be able to care for her as she made her transition.  I thought I was ready, but I don’t think that anyone can ever be ready to lose a parent.

About a year after her death a lot of secrets came out of her closet.  It was probably the hardest year of my life, even harder than losing her.  It ripped that window of grief wide open.  I thought that I had made it through the grief process.  I was wrong.  I had to then  process the anger of what she had hidden.  The anger of not being able to talk it through with her , so she could explain it all.

Eighteen years later I lost my 19 year old nephew when he was murdered.  Starting this blog was how I started processing the loss not only of him, but what we all lost in relationship to our sister.

Nine years later I lost my birth father and had to process the grief of not just losing him, but losing the opportunity to have the kind of relationship I always wanted, but he wasn’t able to provide.

The following year I lost what I call my bonus dad.  He had a long journey of heart disease that slowly took away his health.  His was probably the easist death to process, because in the 15 yrs he lived with us, he had cleaned up what needed to be cleaned up with me.

I thought that with all of these losses, I knew what the grief process was all about.  I had experienced it many times.  I understood the grief stages.  More importantly I knew I would survive.  I thought, “I know how to do this”.  Then a few months ago, my three year old grandson was killed in an accident.  I now know grief in a totally unique way.

This journey I now understand is not only individual to the person, it is individual to what has been lost.  The loss of someone so young rips apart your heart.  Then experiencing the loss through your own child, as you witness his struggle to find his way through the grief process, turns your heart to ashes.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with a limp.” – Anne Lamott

The truth is that grief for every person is a solitary journey.  I can’t know how great my son’s pain is.  I can’t understand the anger and depression that he is currently working through.  I have no real idea of how to help.  I struggle for the right words to say, and even if I feel I have found them, I struggle to know the timing of when to say them.

I also know from my own history of grief that just showing up and giving a hug can get someone through one more day of loss.  What tends to happen with loss, is that at first everyone is there to support you.  But time moves on for all of those dear friends and family members.  They have  processed the loss.  They have moved on with living life, because that is what life does, it goes on.

When you have a loss that happens too soon, that feels too much to bear, your time line moves much slower.  So it becomes a solitary journey. No one but you knows how great the hurt is. No one but you can know the gaping hole left in your life, especially when that someone is your little boy. And no one but you can mourn the silence, that was once filled with laughter as he ran around your house chasing the dog. It is the nature of love and of death to touch every person in a totally unique way.

“You’re under no obligation to be the person you were before life flattened you. You’re just not. Trust yourself to navigate this part of the journey.” Stephenie Zamora

 

Grief is not a journey in which you just push yourself through the stages and arrive at the end.  There is no pushing through.  What there is at the end is acceptance.  You absorb it deep inside and it lives forever in your broken heart.  Like a deep cut, it eventually scabs over.  It is a healing process, where you pick at the scab and it bleeds and produces a new scab, over and over.  Until one day you are picking at the scab and it just falls off.  It leaves a scar that fades with time, but never completely goes away.

Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith, but the price of love.  If you find yourself stuck in stage for a long time, it is time to seek a qualified therapist that can help you unblock the dam that has been created.  If you find your friends and family are worried about you; if you find yourself putting on the fake smile and working hard to create the impression you have moved on (when you haven’t), it’s time to seek counseling.

“Grieving is a process. There’s a process of the shock, the anger, and then coping with the situation. You have to experience all of those levels to move forward, and sometimes you need help in that” Angela A Bridges

5 Facts about the stages of grief

• 1 – Our grief is as individual as our lives. Each person is unique in how he or she copes with feelings of grief.
• 2 – Not everyone will go through all of the 5 stages of grief
• 3 – The five stages of grief do not have a predictible, uniform or linear pattern
• 4 – You can switch back and forth between each of the five stages of grief
• 5 – The five stages of grief are simply tools to help us frame and identify what we’re feeling

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hallow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” favin.com

3 things to know about the denial stage of grief

• 1 – it’s normal. It is a defence mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss
• 2 – it’s temporary. It carries us through the first wave of pain
• 3 – there is a grace in it. It’s nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

“A thousand moments I had just taken for granted…, mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more.” Morgan Matson

Anger – You may feel as though the whole world seems to be conspiring against you.  You are mad at everyone, especially God.  You feel as though you are walking a road to your own death, burning in the fires of your devasting anger.  I think this quote describes perfectly why there is so much anger.  You’ve lost all of those future moments.

“In grief, depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervious system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle…, as difficult as it is to endure, depression has elements that can be helpful in grief. It slows us down and allows us to take real stock of the loss…, Allow the sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you to explore your loss in its entirety. when you allow yourself to experience depression, it will leave as soon as it has served its purpose in your loss.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Depression – I think it has to do with the hole in your heart.  It is consumed with emptiness.  You can’t fill it up or sew it back together.  So you mask it.  You deny to others that you are continuing to grieve.  You’ve run out of tears, out of anger, out of the ability to cope.  So the quiet emptiness just grows until it consumes you.  You’ve shut off the support system and isolated yourself behind the mask.  You are alone and feel like you will be alone until you die.  You feel that your family and the world would be better off without you.  You think that you are all alone in your grief, that everyone else has moved on.  It’s depression that is controlling the mindtalk and thinking.  When the grief turns into this kind of depression it’s time to take off the mask and seek help.  Even though you think you can’t escape the sadness, therapy will help you see past the depression.

At the end of the grief process, it is not so much a moving on, as a moving forward – as you bring your loved one along in your heart and your very breath. They are a part of you now and always. You move forward with them.  You continue to engage in life because you’ve become inspired by this love.  That is my wish for all of us.  To reach that space where we are able to continue our journey with a peaceful heart.  With the good memories that make us laugh and smile.  With that inner knowing that your loved one is still in your heart.  The connection is still there, it is still real, it has just changed form.

Start Designing Your Life With The Teacher In Your Soul

Listening to internal guidance can be very hard to do when life is stressing you out.  The noise of the chaos around you drowns out that inner voice.  Everyone will have an opinion on what needs to be done.  People will freely tell you how to live your life, what choices you should be making.  They will show up, try to convince you, dazzle you, and intimidate you.

The first thing to do is to drop resistance to what is happening.  “It is what it is”.  When you stop fighting against it, you find the ability to cope with what is.  You lose a loved one, it can’t be changed.  Your employer lets you go, it is what it is.  Coping can only begin after acceptance of what is.  Since you can’t change it, stop pushing back.

Glennon Doyle  in her book Love Warrior said: “I have met myself, and I am going to care for her fiercely.”  She outlines phases that we go through in life.  The typical hero journey where life is good, then tragedy happens, and then we find our way out.  In the process we make discoveries about who we are, and we make changes in how we show up in life.

At this moment in time the whole world is in a unique place.  The whole world has been going through a massive hero’s journey.  It began at the beginning of 2020.

STAGE ONE: LATE STATUS QUO (pre Covid)

You are living in your comfort zone and life is rolling along.  You might be hitting a few speed bumps once in awhile, but on the whole, life is good.

STAGE TWO: FOREIGN ELEMENT (Covid)

…Bam! An unexpected event occurs.  The foreign element of Covid instantly and urgently, changes everything.  Your entire life is turned upside down.  And it’s not just you.  It is happening to everyone around you too.  From normal minor things such as getting groceries, to something more major such as the kids being home-schooled.  If you’re lucky you’re working from home, if not you may have been furloughed or laid off from work.  You’re required to wear a mask everywhere.  You’re told to shelter at home.

STAGE THREE: CHAOS

You may have thought at first that this would be a very temporary situation.  Maybe a couple of months.  But instead those couple of months go past a year, and you find yourself entering into a weird “new normal”.    Then just when you have adjusted to this new normal, it happens again.  Your kids are going back to school – but what does that look like?  Is it safe?  Your job is calling you back to fulltime in the office, but you like working from home fulltime.  You feel like you get a lot more done each day, and who needs that commute?  Plus now you can be home when the kids get home from school.  Just the thought of going back to that old daily commute puts your stomach in a meat grinder.  Or maybe you want to have the ability to do both, having one or two days in the office and 3 or 4 days at home.

The world has changed and what you thought you knew cries out for reexamination. What you’d hoped for, planned for, or predicted before Covid has changed.  It may no longer be possible or even desired. You need to figure out what really matters to you.  This is not a pleasant process because it is filled with so much uncertainty, both for you, your family, and your employer.  But if you just take the time to do the work, it will get you somewhere important. The feeling of being in this chaos phase can be likened to taking a car engine apart – there can be confusion as to what is wrong, what needs to be replaced.  But if you work through the process of clearing up the confusion, you can make some really important and life changing discoveries.

STAGE FOUR: TRANSFORMING IDEA

STAGE FIVE: INTEGRATION AND PRACTICE

This is the stage where you try out those new ideas from your epiphany.  Your employer insists on everyone coming back to the office fulltime.  You suggest a hybrid workplace.  You have done the research and have the data to support your idea.  Maybe it just starts out with coming back to work in the office every other day; two days a week or three days a week.  Suggest that in 30 or 60 days you both reexamine how it is working out.  You follow other companies and what they are doing.  You discover some best practices to implement.  You generate and discard several ways of transforming the workplace until you find the one that fits your workplace culture.

This same concept works for any new ideas you want to implement in your life.

STAGE SIX: NEW STATUS QUO

This happens when your breaking outside of the comfort zone shifts into the new comfort zone, the “new normal”.

STAGE SEVEN: START DESIGNING YOUR LIFE

Pick a regular time several times a year, in which you can take out those kaleidoscope “eyes” and start to DESIGN and prepare for A NEW ADVENTURE.

You can be pro-active.  You can choose how the stage resets.  Your washing machine has more than just one cycle.  Instead of waiting for the foreign elements to bring in chaos, you can choose to start the process of enlarging your comfort zone now.  Be pro-active.  Instead of just imagining what you want to do someday, “I’ll finally write that book” or “I’ll finally travel to a foreign land” or whatever you always say your going to do someday.  You still won’t have the time, the money, or whatever you think that you are lacking in this moment when someday comes.  You just have to go within and shift to stage four and start transforming your idea to make it happen today.

While it is always good to know your limits – it is never good to accept them at face value.

Your current limit is just that – a current limit.  There are so many ways to exceed those limits.  It may mean leaning a new skill.  It may mean using leverage to get around it. When the Apollo mission had to figure out a way back home, the scientists took an inventory of everything they had and figured out a way to make something they didn’t have.

Water is another great analogy.  In order to get around obstacles, it can use the power of a rushing flood to break apart an obstacle.  It can freeze up and expand thereby crushing an obstacle.  It can flow deep within the surrounding area to get under an obstacle.  It can be fog, rain, hail, sleet and snow.  It can work with the wind in a hurricane.  Knowing your limits means thinking outside of the box to discover a way around or through the limitation and still be able to achieve the desired results.

Be like water.  Be magical.  Design something new and wonderful.

“You can’t tame the spirit of someone who has magic in their veins.” – SageGoddess.com

 

Winter-Sorrowful, Spring Is Coming

 

In April of 2019 I went to my birth father’s funeral.  He died of complications of dementia.  I hadn’t seen him in years.  My parents divorced when I was four years old.  Despite all of my intensely wanting him to be a part of my life, it just never happened.  Many reasons, excuses and stories – too many to go into here.  What I wanted to talk about from my own experience is the feelings of being a child of divorced parents.

For me it was very painful because I blamed myself for the divorce.  I thought it was something I did.  Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there are probably a lot of people in the world who grew up like me.  Thinking that somehow you caused the divorce.  I didn’t realize that I believed this until I had kids of my own.

Lots of self-analyzing and trying to figure out where my own self sabotage patterns originated revealed it to me.  My adult self knows that it isn’t true.

My dad like a lot of fathers remarried another woman with children.  They became his family as is right.  Unfortunately, my stepmother didn’t return the favor and the few times I went to their home it was clear I wasn’t wanted.  It was clear as a child, as a teenager and as an adult when I visited with what should have been her grandkids, we were not welcome.

So, my dad and I became completely estranged.  It broke my heart.  For me at least, I always wanted my dad to say he wanted me in his life, and then to try to make that happen.  I had the fantasy that once I was an adult and he didn’t have to deal with my mom, that he would show up and be the dad I always wanted.

I didn’t realize how much of that fantasy was lying beneath the surface until I found out he had died.

Wintercearig is a Norwegian word meaning winter-sorrowful describing that feeling of deep sadness comparable to the cold of winter.  I think that the death of the fantasy was harder than his physical death.

I solaced my heart that he had dementia, so there were probably close to 10 years that he didn’t remember me.  Grief is a slippery animal though.  It comes and goes when you least expect it.  I know he wasn’t a happy man, and I know how hard my mother could be for him.  I just wish it could have been different, and that they could have put aside their own pain for my sake.

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer – Albert Camus

I am working my way through winter of my loss.  Part of that process is to pull out the gold from the dross.  To find the invincible summer in my story.  To make Lemonade from the lemons.  My disappointments in my childhood and the letting go of the fantasy as an adult are part of who I am.  I can talk to this with total compassion, because I have been there.  I learned to appreciate the good qualities that my mom and dad had and let go of the expectations that they would ever become who I wanted them to be.

Pain has a lot of lessons to teach you.  I remember years ago I was talking with one of my sister in-laws about forgiveness.  She stated that if her husband ever had an affair that she would never forgive him.  That she would divorce him.  I told her that with big decisions in life, we think we know what we would do.  But until that moment arrives it is all speculation. The reason for that is how connected everything is.

It isn’t just that someone had an affair.  You have to look at all of the circumstances around what happened.  There are so many things that happen in your relationship with your partner.  What is going on at their work?  What is going on with their larger family?  What are all of the stresses in their life that weigh in on your partner, so that they would do something that would destroy their life?

When something this devasting happens and you look at all of the possible choices you have to face, many times we do not do what we thought we would.  You have to stand out in the cold, and really look at every single crystal of the snowflake to make a decision.  Like the snowflake, the breaking of the marriage bond is different for every couple with no two alike.

The future lies before you, like a field of fallen snow; Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show – Unknown

My experiences in life gave me a little bit of a soapbox in regard to fathers who don’t see their children.  The damage it causes those children affects them every day of their life.  Many of us don’t realize how much, until something happens that brings it to the surface.  I had thought I had given up the fantasy of my dad showing up on my doorstep one day, saying “I love you and I want you to be part of my life”.  It was still apparently a running program in the background, taking up energy.

So, if you are divorced and you aren’t connected with your children, make the sacrifice to do whatever it takes to be a part of their lives.  Just show up, with no excuses.  With no blame, except to say, “I’m sorry”.  It may take a while before they trust you again, because even if you didn’t mean to, you broke their heart.  But if you put in the effort and keep trying, eventually they will open the door.

When I am processing pain, grief, sadness, I write.  This is something I am still working on, but I wanted to share the work in progress.

Maybe you are like me, a daughter or son, who just wanted to be told that they were loved, that they weren’t a mistake that could just be thrown away, that they were proud of who you became.

Maybe like me you just wanted them to show up at your door and say Hi.

A note for my Dad

I learned to say goodbye at an early age

To hear “love you, see you soon” knowing in my heart it wasn’t true

Looking out of the back window of the car as mom drove me away

Silent tears wishing I was still with you

 

It’s a broken road my mom and dad have made

I’m tired of feeling disloyal loving you both, being torn between you two,

I feel my frailness crumble as you both pull me apart

My heart is torn, broken with your hammers beating it to pieces

 

Years go by with a few hours here and there

Visits so short they can’t even be remembered

How many times I reached out to you?

Only to hear the deafening silence.

 

The sharp thunder of glaciers breaking up and falling into the ocean

The cold became the color of blinding whiteness

I waited for your presence, the phone call, the letter, anything

To hear you say, “I’m here and I love you.”

 

Deep sadness covers me like a layer of snow

Leaving my heart cold, pain frozen into arctic ice

Daddy why did you die and leave me alone

Never to hear those words, “love you, see you soon” fulfilled?

 

I think I will miss you forever, since we never got to say goodbye

Wishing you had been a constant presence in my life didn’t make it happen.

The gift you gave me in passing me by in forgetfulness,

Is seen daily in my being a part of my own children’s lives

 

Stand In The Light to Be Seen As You Are

Updated 11/24/2021

You are probably like me, and you want to be liked and accepted.  This internal need that you have to be loved, sometimes causes you to put on a mask of who you think that someone wants you to be.  The perfect little girl.  The shy teenager.  The princess, the joker or the nerd.  The smile pasted on your face, that life is wonderful, when inside you are screaming in frustration.

You can see this for example when you go back home for the holidays.  You fall into the childhood role or character you have for your family, even if it no longer fits.

“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world.  Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form.  Risk being seen in all of your glory” –  Jim Carey

It is hard to show up without any masks, but it is vitally important for you to be true to who you are.  These masks are the cause of so much unhappiness.  You meet someone you like, but if you are both wearing masks, then neither of you is communicating who you really are.  So you fall in love with the mask, and not the person.  You communicate to the mask, and what the person deep inside is trying to say never gets heard.  You create so much drama and trauma to yourself and others that way.

If you just say what you really mean, life gets so much easier.  The truth is that you may not be who you want to be yet.  But you have come a long way from where you used to be.

It takes great courage to be vulnerable enough to remove the mask.  It takes great courage to stick to your values and not allow others to sway you into actions you don’t want to take.  It takes great courage to trust others with who you are at a soul level.  It takes great courage to be persistent enough to keep removing the masks.  So continue remove mask after mask.  Burn them up, so that who you show up as the real you.

Embrace your imperfections.  Be authentic.

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do”  – Brene’ Brown

What I loved about the main photo for this blog, is that they people in it are being crazy. They are playing at being stupid, silly and weird.  But when you look at each face you see that they are also having fun.  How many times do you catch your face in the mirror or a reflection on a window and see that kind of happy expression on your face?  On others faces that you love?

You need to be who you are and find those happy faces more often.  When you let the world’s conflicts and tragedy’s be the things you focus on, you lose that happiness.  The news focuses on hyping the negative, and giving you very little of the positive things that happen every day.

• Every day a new mom and dad have this miracle of a new baby come into their lives and change them forever.
• Every day a child does something wonderful, like riding a bike for the first time, or winning a race, or making a home run.  And they celebrate with their loved ones what they achieved.
• Every day a police man or a fire man or the driver of an ambulance saves a loved ones life, and they celebrate they have another day with their loved ones.
• Every day someone is doing something wonderful, brave, heroic, and we lose sight the of the miracles of life.

You need to celebrate all of the wonderful things that happen in your life and the lives of those you love.  Don’t let those who are still sleep walking through their lives stand in the way of your awakening.

Closing with this quote, because “I see you” needs to be something that happens to you and you need to see others.

You need to stop being invisible.  You need to let those who are trying to become a better person, know that you see them as a human being deserving of love and respect.

You don’t have to agree with everything that they have done in their life, to still give them love and respect.  How many people in nursing homes, living in the street, eating their lunch alone in the café – how many people do you pass by that are not being seen?  How many just need a hug, and someone to say, I See You?  I SEE YOU!

Serenity Is Peace Amid Life’s Storms

 

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Don’t Be Afraid To Dance Your Own Dance Of Life

In order to save myself, I must destroy first the me I was told to be – The Dreamer

When you were this girls age, you had dreams about who you wanted to be when you grew up.  You may already have been singing, or dancing, or wanting to be a doctor or lawyer.  Between this and that statement they let you know that you should choose a less challenging career than a doctor or lawyer, because you really aren’t that smart.

Or it could be more subtle where you are being directed by your parents into the career that they want for you.  That career your mom or dad wanted; or everyone in your family has this career (our family is all in the legal or medical field); or the one you want won’t be able to support you – all valid reasons by their way of thinking.

Along the way you learn to hide who you are.  You learn that others will judge you or belittle you.  So, you put on masks to conform to what friends and family expect – who they want you to dress like, look like, act like.  You hide your dreams so that no one can destroy them any further.

You learn not to trust your heart to be in others hands.  You give up on what is possible and settle for what is conforming to the needs and desires of others.  You forget who you are and what you are here for.  You no longer take part in the dance of life, but instead settle back against the wall and watch those with more courage or talent dance it in front of you.

Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it – Unknown

There is only one way to truly know who you are deep down inside.  You have to get in touch with your own soul.  You need to be by yourself, and sit with yourself, and just listen.

Looking back at your life, find the places where you were really happy.  Find the things that are so easy for you to do, that others find hard or impossible.  Trace back all of the threads that have your name engraved upon them.  Start picking out and removing all of the threads that are not you.  Look for the gold and silver pieces and toss out the dross.

Now look for the patterns that are left.  The amazing thing is that it usually takes you back to this age.  The age when you acted out who you really were, before society broke you like a young colt and told you who to be.  The threads of genius that are all you, can now be taken up and made into whatever pattern you want.  It is never too late to be who you were meant to be.

Sometimes when you make this journey deep into our soul, you discover that your life has to be completely shaken up.

• UPLIFT:  You are covered in dust and debris that needs to be removed.  We need to rearrange almost everything. Uplift what you buried.
• EMPOWER:  Change almost everything.   Empower your heart and soul to lead you in the right direction.
• VALIDATE:  We need to go to the place we are supposed to be.  You need to validate that your dreams are right.  You can be and do what they are leading you to.

A close friend of mine relocated from Los Angeles to Italy and she loves it.  The best thing to do is to remove what doesn’t belong and then figure out how to rearrange what does.  It is an individual journey that defines who you are in a totally new way.  You discover your truth by looking for it down deep within and then integrating it into your life.  You are on a life adventure.  This journey is for you alone.  Embrace it and life it fully.

The spiritual journey is individual, highly personal. It can’t be organized or regulated.  It isn’t true that everyone should follow one path.  Listen to your own truth – Ram Dass

There are some that will say that living your life purpose, is being selfish.  That you are ignoring the wishes of others.  But actually, the reverse is true.

Each one of us was given as part of our life journey a divine destiny.  You were born into the place and the family that would give you the tools to accomplish this purpose.  Some of those life lessons come through adversity, some come as part of the journey of rediscovering who you are really meant to be.

If you don’t take the risks, make the changes and transform your life, then your destiny will not be fulfilled.  And you will not be living the life that God sent you here to live.

So, it is actually selfish to not live up to your full potential.  To not find out who you are supposed to be.  To not utilize your power to its full capability. To not live out loud and up front your God given destiny.

Receiving With Grace

“When you look away from a homeless person, you diminish their humanity and your own” –  Father Murray, as quoted by Brene Brown in her book “Rising Strong”

This simple sentence really speaks volumes. What is it that would make someone turn away from a homeless person?  Have you ever pretended to not see someone? Are you afraid connect to that person? Why is it so hard for some to make eye contact with anyone?

“Be grateful for every compliment you receive – don’t shrug it off.  When you are open to receiving, you will receive more from the universe”  – Unknown

I was once at a seminar where one of the group things we did was to move around the room and hug. No words were allowed. Just a real, heart-felt hug and move on to another person. Most of us connected after the hug, looking into the other person’s eyes before moving on to the next person. Some people had a really hard time with this. Their eyes darted around and they could not maintain the steady looking into the eyes of the other person.

“When you give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed”  – Maya Angelou

One woman in particular really connected with me. When I look deeply into another person’s eyes, it feels like I fall into their soul. I see them. I see their stories. Their triumphs and failures. So much joy and pain. I saw all of those things and she felt it. We had a heart to heart connection. She came up later and handed me a card and quickly walked away. When I looked at the card, it was a drawing with the heart in the middle. I realized that she wanted to acknowledge the connection, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it. It was a beautiful moment.

“Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it” – Rabindranath Tagore

We had both been moved, because we saw and acknowledged that we had both been through hard times and it was ok. We were ok, because of the love and kindness of others.

“Always show more kindness than seems necessary, because the person receiving it needs it more than you will ever know”  – Colin Powell

Do you think that when you look away, that you are trying to avoid connecting on purpose?  Have you put them into a “this person is not like me” bucket?  You might mentally label them as “street people”, “homeless”, “bums”, “addicts”, etc.  Putting them into some “other” category that says “not me”? It might be that you are afraid that you might be in their shoes someday? Like it is somehow catching? Are you judging them for somehow failing in life?

For myself, I find that usually if I am looking away it is because I feel inadequate to know how to help,  or at that moment I don’t have any cash on me which is what they are asking for.  So I avoid eye connection out of my own inadequacy.

“It’s really important to be able to receive love and receive compassion.  It is as important as being able to give it”  – Pema Chodron

Brene Brown in her book, “Rising Strong” relates it to not wanting to admit that you need others in your lives. That you can’t do it all alone. That you are afraid to receive, and so when others are asking for what they need in order to survive, it throws you for a loop. Because you don’t want to imagine having to depend on the kindness of others in order to survive.

“Sometimes people have a hard time receiving what they want.  Why?  Because they feel they don’t deserve it” –  Notes from Nora

I can identify with the difficulty of having the capacity to receive. In some areas of my life, I have no problem. I grew up as a hand me down family, so I have no problem with second hand furniture or clothes. However, if my needs are more personal, then it is another matter. Like if I can’t do it all myself, I am somehow a failure. I’m supposed to be the strong one, the giver – not the receiver.

“You are important enough to ask and you are blessed enough to receive back”  – Wayne Dyer

Someone once talked about this, and it really helped me adjust some of my attitude around this. They talked about hiring someone to clean your home. The way they looked at it, by hiring someone to come and clean your home, you were helping another woman help support her family, and why wouldn’t we want to do that? It really changed the thought from feeling guilty that I wasn’t super woman and doing everything myself, to I can help another person to support their family by hiring them to do my house cleaning or yard work.

“Many people love to give.  It’s a great feeling, and they do so with no expectation.  But they often are awful at receiving, and really deprive others of that joy of giving.  If given a gift, they say, “You shouldn’t have”, “It’s too much”, or the worst, “I feel bad that you got me this”.  Ouch.  This creates bad feelings during what should be a nice moment, and though their intent was to be selfless and polite, it is actually ungrateful.   When a gift is given, “thank you” says that they appreciate the time, consideration, and effort that person has already put forth.  Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully”  – Doe Zantamata

You are not meant to “do it all by yourself”. You are driven by your need of community. The phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child” says it all. Open up your capacity to receive. Connect to others. Really see everyone you meet. That connection you make could be just what they need to get through to another day.

It’s Not The Mountain We Conquer, It’s Ourselves

Without new experiences, something inside of us sleeps.  The sleeper must awaken.

  – Frank Herbert

It is kind of funny that when we at a certain stage of our journey on life’s path, we have a pat answer for what the life of your dreams is.  We would have the house in that certain neighborhood.  The beach house.  Or maybe we are a big dreamer and we wanted to own an island.  We would have that certain kind of convertible sports car.  The decked out pickup truck.  Maybe we would want a farm with race horses.  What ever the list has on it, it would all be summed up with material possessions.

Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never even knew you had.

  – Unknown

Then something happens.  It could be the loss of everything from a flood.  It could be that our soul partner in life dies from cancer.  It could be our son or daughter is killed by a drunk driver.  Something dreadful happens and we realize that all of those “things” are not us living the life of our dreams. 

Be that strong girl that everyone knew would make it through the worst, be that fearless girl, the one who would dare to do anything, be that independent girl who didn’t need a man; be that girl who never backed down.

  – Taylor Swift

My own story comes from the murder of my nephew.  What the wake up call did for me was to realize that the life of my dreams was to contribute in some way.  I thought I would make a small change with creating LemonadeMakers.  That might contribute towards helping society shift away from the hatred and violence.  To shift away from living in fear.  To transform their lives in helping them to wake up to the truth of their own lives.

The magic recipe for living out your boldest dreams:  A pinch of delusion, a dash of audacity and a shot of courage.

  – Kirsty Spraggon

My own recipe would be to say that there really is no big secret on how to live the life of your dreams.  You just need to breathe.  Let go.  And know that this one single moment in time, is the only thing promised.  So I thought up my own magical dream bold recipe::

Dream Ingredients are like the eggs, oil and milk in a recipe that help to bind the ingredients together. Put Imagination; Inspiration; faith In a bowl and mix well.

Active Action Ingredients are like the yeast, or baking powder that cause the mixture to rise and grow outside the comfort zone.  Put Self confidence; Implementation; Determination; Action; Perseverance; Patience into another bowl and mix well.

Magical ingredients are what create the taste and flavor that is special only to you.  Put all of your time, talents, gifts, your personal genius and your inspired passion into a bowl and mix well.

Now mix all of the ingredients together whipping with clarity where needed.  Taste and add additional seasoning as needed – shots of courage – a dash of daring – a pinch of adventure – a spoonful of risk – several spoonful’s of laughter – if it doesn’t add zest to the recipe it doesn’t belong in the recipe. 

Put the mixture into the “never stop believing” pan.

Bake until the impossible has become the reality.  Share your “Never Stop Believing Dreams” with everyone you meet.  Taste their dreams. Share your best secret ingredients.  Experiment with theirs.

 The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.

  – Paulo Coelho

If you are a baker you know that timing is critical.  Solid even heating is important.  And sometimes even with the best ingredients, a soufflé falls flat.  Sometimes you realize halfway through the baking cycle, that you forgot some important ingredient.  Sometimes life just happens.  Just because the recipe didn’t work out as planned doesn’t mean that your dreams have forever fallen apart.  You can always bake a new cake or soufflé.  Your dream doesn’t need rescuing.  You just need to try again.  You can always bake a new reality.

Between your dreams and your reality, there is no distance.  There is no time.  Wake up to your dreams.  Live them as the reality that they are.

  – Unknown

What that meant for me personally was to wake up myself and realize that I wasn’t really living the life of my dreams.  I was just working to pay for stuff.  I realized that I could help others to wake up too.  To imagine a new story for all of us.  While the story is different for each of us, it begins the same.  Discover and uncover who you really are at the soul level.  It is a journey to remember who I was, before the world told me who I had to be.  To let that person come out and create your new story.  For me it has meant stepping out of my comfort zone again and again.  Following the vision, I am as surprised at who I have become.  I am amazed at who I am still becoming. 

So – follow your instincts.  Be curious.  Dream Big!  Love what you do.  Love learning.  Keep an OPEN HEART and a STRONG SPIRIT.  And Most of All – HAVE FUN!

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Silence Is The Space Between The Words, The Inner Sanctuary Of The Heart

When tragedy strikes someone that we love, we all have this tendency to want to fix it. That if we just had the perfect words to say, or the right thing to do, we could make it all better.

But grief is a walk alone.  Others can be there, and listen.  But you will walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your sheared-off pain, your raw wounds, your denial, anger, and bitter loss.  You’ll come to your own peace, hopefully . . . but it will be on your own, in your own time.

– Cathy Lamb

When I was younger they had these commercials for both band-aids and children’s aspirin. In the band-aid commercial the mom puts a band-aid on the little boys scrape, kisses it and he is smiling and his pain is gone. In the baby aspirin the pill magically makes the child feel better. Unfortunately, in real life, we can’t always “kiss it and make it better.”

What we can do is be there with a hug and a listening ear. Let them vent their anger, cry out their sadness, and get a release for the overpowering emotions.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing . . . not healing, not curing . . . that is a friend who cares.

  – Henri Nouwen

When my nephew was killed, my sister was so strong. Making all of the funeral arrangements, who would speak at the service, what songs would be sung, renting the ballroom at the boardwalk – she went all out and was so together. She spoke at the funeral of the over seven years trying to get pregnant because her endometriosis was so bad. How when he was born, the cord was around his neck several times and she had to have an emergency C-section. All the years of loving him, and what he gift he was to her life. She told these stories and not one tear or breakdown. She hugged everyone at the memorial and not one breakdown. I don’t think that I could have done what I saw her do.

Later that night, all of the busyness of the funeral was done, then she broke down. All I could do was hold her. Tell her I loved her. That I was there for her. It was the first time, I couldn’t “kiss it and make it all better.” It has been several years of holding her and loving her, but she has come out the other end of a dark tunnel.

The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again but you will never be the same.  Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.

  – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

There comes a time when the healing happens. It doesn’t mean that you no longer miss what has been taken from you, just that it no longer controls your life. Each of us handles grief differently. We shouldn’t judge another person by how they handle it or expect them to “be better faster.”

No rule book.  No time frame.  No judgement.  Grief is as individual as a fingerprint.  Do what is right for your soul.

  _ Hw

We can look with fresh eyes at the beauty that still exists in our world. We can walk step by step in the arms of loved ones, knowing that when we stumble in the darkness of grief, they will put the light of hope in our hearts, that things will get easier.

Healing comes when we choose to walk away from darkness and move towards a brighter light.

  – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Listening to the silence of the night, we can open our hearts and ears to the sounds of the universe. If we just be in the present moment, we can hear beautiful songs we have never heard before. The night insects, like crickets will sing to us. We can hear the night birds, like the owl tells us a story. We can be serenaded by the croaking of the frogs. Never stop listening for the messages from the creator, because these messages will be a balm to our hearts, helping us to heal.

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Listen To Your Soul

 

When you can quiet the fluctuations of your mind and drift into stillness and silence, you can finally hear the whispers of your heart.

  –   davidji

Silence isn’t just empty space.  It is the container that holds all of the answers.  But you can’t access it, until you release what you think life should be.  It is only then that you can begin to see what is, and accept it.  When you can process life as it is, only then you can see what it can be.  That is the beginning of the journey of transformation.  Because it is only in this place that you can begin to hear the sound of your soul.   

True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment.

  –   William Penn

It is in the silence you begin to hear your own heart.  It is in the heart that the soul hears the whispers of the divine, Gods answers.  This is where true intelligence is, not in the mind.  By listening to this voice, you see things in a different light, a different space.  This is the space that you hear God’s voice answering those prayers for direction.  That is the space where your soul is at peace with your minds thoughts.

Dare to stand before those you fear and speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.

  –   Maggie Kuhn

This is where what they call “out of the box” thinking occurs.  It is the place where the curiosity starts, where creativity lives, where you can find the right solutions.  It is the place of firm collaboration of the mind, body and soul.  Where the spirit and soul commune to stand in an overwhelming force for doing the right thing, regardless of what anyone else is saying or doing. 

 It’s a shame when the things that are on your mind and in your heart, never reach your lips.

  – Unknown

The worst thing that can happen is for people to be too ashamed, too scared, or feel too unworthy to speak their own truth.  When other people to try crush you because you don’t share the same religion, the same culture, the same language, the same color of skin, or the same sexual orientation the human race is being robbed.  We should welcome all expression.  Risk being seen, not just in all of your glory,  but with all of your imperfections..

The biggest bully most of us will ever face lives within us, located inside our own heads.  The screaming thoughts that we hurl at ourselves about ourselves, we would never allow anyone to say to us.  We worry about what kind of person we would be if we let loose who we really are.  That we are too much, too emotional, too loving, too sensitive.  That we are a bad person; that everyone would judge us as not enough and we will be destroyed.  We don’t give ourselves the love we give to others, the grace and forgiveness that we give to others. 

 Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.

  –  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Like most things in life, silence also has it shadow that gets expressed out in the world.  Martin Luther King Jr. wrote about this shadow when he said:

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. 

  – Martin Luther King Jr.

This is what all civil unrest and protests comes from.  Something that matters so much that they are willing to step outside of fear of judgment or retribution.  I know that to me these people are like modern day Joan of Arc’s.  Their bravery lies in standing in protest, being willing to be beaten, hit with water cannons, or tear gas. To be arrested or even the ultimate sacrifice of their lives.  I may not always agree with their beliefs, or their methods.  But I do praise their courage that they are willing to stand up for their ideals.

They say that time heals all wounds.  It isn’t the passage of time itself that heals.  It is the knowledge and application of that knowledge (using it wisely) that heals.  I know that from the murder of my nephew, there are stages of grief.  The more distance there is from the actual murder, the more time the raw emotions have to pass through you.  It is the emotions that create the pain and suffering.  But you can only live in that place of raw emotions for so long.  If you don’t process through them, they will literally drive you insane.  It is self preservation that moves those emotions through you.

The ultimate way of Being lies beyond all contradictory pairs of opposites with which our two dimensional thinking mind operates.  As soon as we are successful in silencing the restless activity of the thinking mind and give a chance to intuition, the pure all embracing spirit in us will manifest effortlessly.

  – Anagarika Govinda

Intuition and creativity takes you on a wild ride of so many options and choices, it is life inspiring, life fulfilling, and more valuable that all of the gold in Fort Knox. This is because life is not just light and dark, and choices are not just this or that.  We live in a multi-dimensional universe, and we were created in God’s image.  Each of us has the power of miracles within us.  When we embrace his spirit and power, we manifest our divine destiny.

 Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

  –  Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt is one of my heroes.  She is on my bucket list of people that I would love to have a long visit with.  She has such great wisdom, and she was an amazing woman.  When we operate from that space of great minds, the soul speaks. 

The quieter you become, the more you can hear.

  –  Ram Dass

It helps when you surround yourself with people who can hear the sound of your soul, as well as their own.  If you listen to the voice of intuition, the voice of the soul, you will find the way of life that you love, that was designed just for you.  Then all that is left is to have the courage to live it.

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Love Is The Master Key To Happiness

Love yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Be true to yourself.  How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others treat you.

  – Steve Maraboli

Years ago I worked for a mortgage company in the Seattle, WA area.  When I interviewed for a loan processor position, the branch manager told me that I shouldn’t take the job if swearing bothered me, as everyone in her office swore.  I am good at tuning out what I don’t want to hear, so I went ahead and accepted the position. 

I had been on the job just a month or two when one of the other employees in the branch came up to me with a question.  She wanted to know what I had said to everyone that made them not swear when I was part of the conversation.  I told her that I hadn’t even realized that they didn’t swear when they spoke to me, and that I hadn’t told them anything.  She wanted to know why they were treating her different than they treated me.  I told her something like the above quote.  We subconsciously tell people how to treat us.  If she wasn’t being treated how she wanted to be, then she needed to look inside of herself to determine what needed to be changed.

Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy.

  – Unknown

I think that the hardest part about giving and receiving love is that it puts us at risk of being hurt.  We worry about whether this new being in our lives will hurt us, if we open our hearts up to giving and receiving love. 

Faith ends where worry begins, and worry ends where faith begins.

  –  George Mueller

My father (stepfather) married my mother, and took on six girls ranging in ages from newborn to 9 yrs old (I was the 9 yr old).  Not one time in over 49 yrs has the word “stepdaughter” ever come out of his mouth.  Every time it has been “my daughter”.  My parents went on to have one more child, my brother, who is my dads only “blood” child.  My brother and my dad have a rocky relationship.  What so many of us had a hard time with, is that we want people to behave in a certain way.  We want a mother, father, spouse, brother or sister, to say or do certain things, and when they fall short of our expectations, we create trauma around it. 

When you love someone, you love the whole person just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.

  –  Leo Tolstoy

My mom passed away over 20 yrs ago, and our dad has been living with my husband and I for the past 11 years.  A couple of years ago, my brother and I had a long talk about his dad, and why I maintained our relationship after our mother died. With those that we love in our lives, our close friends and relatives, it can be easy to look at their faults.  To see all of the “dirt” in their lives.  Those faults pop up like neon lights blinking and blinking, “look here”, but there are also hidden nuggets of gold laying alongside each fault line.

None of us can be the perfect parent, son, daughter, sister, brother, or spouse.  It has meant a lot to me that “step” never came before daughter.  He has other well hidden (LOL) nuggets of gold, and he has his share of dirt, just like every one of us.  We need to adjust our “glasses” to see others through the filters of gold, instead of just neon signs of dirt. 

At the same time, we can’t live our own lives trying to live up to the expectations of others. 

Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of others.  You will never be able to live up to their expectations, and it will leave you feeling broken and insecure… Rather see yourself as the beautiful soul God made you to be, and know he made you to do great things.

  –  Karen Kastyla

Have your ever looked at yourself through the “fun house” mirrors at a fair?  They distort your shape, making you tall, small, thin, fat.  Some of them distort just a portion of your body and others the entire body.  When we try to live our lives for others, we distort ourselves creating a fun house mirror – we don’t see us, we just see the distortion. 

This is your own journey.  Don’t let others define it for you.  You shape the path of your journey through your effort, hard work, love, aspirations, dreams and always your pure intention.

  –  Abira Mukherjee

When I look at this photo, I see love on both the mans and the cats faces.  The cat doesn’t expect the man to act like another cat.  The man doesn’t expect the cat to be a dog.  They see the nuggets of gold in each other.  Their love is apparent.  They may not live up to 100% of the expectations.  And that failure to live up to expectations, doesn’t mean that they damn up their love behind a concrete barrier, demanding that the other behave a certain way. 

I know that my cats expect breakfast each morning the minute my feet hit the bedroom floor.  Since during the week I get up at 5 AM, on Saturday, Sunday, and any holidays, they still expect breakfast at 5 AM.  They seem to live with the disappointment (although they can be quite demanding and noisy about it – LOL).   They still rub up against me purring.  They still hop in my lap and try to type on the keyboard when I am busy.  I still pet them, feed them, and cuddle them.  I know that I will have to remove at least one cat every time I sit down at the keyboard to compose one of these posts.  I accept their need to interrupt me when I am not paying them enough attention, and they accept that I am eventually going to shut them out of the office so I can finish my post without kitty paws typing. (I blame all spelling errors on my cats!).

In the end nothing we do or say in this lifetime will matter as much as the way we have loved one another.

  –  Daphne Rose Kingma

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Don’t Wait, Do It Now

Hopefully I am not the only one that this happens to.  On my commute to work and back to home, my brain is so busy detailing everything I have to do – both at work and at home.  The minute I step into my office or my home, that list magically hides itself.  I forgot most of what I have to do, being busy doing so many other things.  Then the minute my head hits the pillow, the list reappears as a list of everything that I didn’t get done.  Does anyone else go through this?

Why is taking action so hard?  We have these dreams, passions around our life.  The space between a dream and reality is where all of the action has to take place.  We want whatever the dream is.  We talk about it all of the time.  “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action.  Take the actions and your feelings will change”  Barbara Baron. 

We tend to put off the hard parts.  The parts where we aren’t sure what to do.  I do it everyday.  Put off the conversation I don’t want to have with a friend, relative or co-worker.  Put off studying for a test because I am afraid of failing it.  Not asking for what I want, because what if they say no?  I am sure that this list could go on forever.  The key is to just take a first step, then one more.  Don’t look at the whole mountain that needs to be climbed, just look at the next few steps.

I always think about physical workouts here.  If you are on a treadmill, and your goal is five miles.  You start to get worn out and out of breath on mile three.  Those next two miles seems like impossible.  Seems like forever.  Seems like Mount Everest.  Seems like you can’t do it.  But here is where a little stubbornness comes in handy.  You just tell yourself five more minutes, and you take the next step and the next step, and before you know it, that fifth mile is done.  Be proud of every next step, not just the one that puts you over the goal.

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”  Aristotle.  It is important that these lists are not just a grocery list or a laundry list.  Things that take up time and space, but are not really taking a step.  That is the first step of procrastination.  What I call the shiny object or squirrel.  Have you seen the cartoon, where the dog is doing or saying something, then shouts squirrel and takes off right in the middle of it?  That is a squirrel.  I come into my office to write this blog post.  Then I see some mail that I forgot to take care of yesterday and so I do that.  Then an email comes in, so I read that.  Then I think of something I wanted to research and I do that.  Two hours later, I haven’t written a single word of the post I came in to write.  That is chasing the squirrel.  I didn’t really take a single step toward writing that post, and now my time is gone.

The best that we can do is to promise ourselves to be better and do better.  The best that we can do is to keep trying, putting one foot in front of the other.  To ask ourselves, what is the most important thing I can do right this moment to take that next step, and then just take it.  Don’t wait for permission.  Don’t wait for the perfect moment.  Don’t wait for anything, just take that next step.  We might fall down.  We might get hurt or do what we later judge to be the wrong thing.  It doesn’t in the big picture matter.  What matters is that we took what we saw to be the next step.  The funny thing about life, is that those steps that we judged to be wrong, are usually the steps that give us what we need for a future step.  So that, in the long run, none of the steps were really wrong.

“I promise myself,

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me”

Christian D. Larson