Who Are You?
Have you ever been so lost in a relationship trying to be who they wanted, that you lost yourself?
Have you ever been in a job, where you were constantly biting your tongue so that you didn’t lash out at a coworker or your boss who was bullying you?
Did you spend your childhood trying so hard to be the perfect child, that you pushed and pushed all of your rebellious self into a tight box and nailed that lid shut?
We are only as blind as we want to be.
– Maya Angelou
I think that most of us could answer yes to at least one of those, if not all three. I spent my entire childhood trying to be the perfect daughter with my mom, because my experience of her was that if you made her mad, she would divorce you (she was married five times).
When I met my husband, I spent the first few years trying to be the perfect wife to him, and the perfect mother to our children. I put unrealistic expectations on myself. I exhausted myself and the not so funny thing about it, is that my husband never voiced or indicated in any way that this was something that he wanted. I have had jobs where Sunday night I got stomach pains or headaches just thinking about going into work on Monday and having to deal with that toxic environment.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow these kinds of situations to develop? Are we actually setting them up in the first place? Why do we stay in them way too long?
You can’t change what’s going on around you until you start changing what’s going on within you.
What I discovered in myself, was a pattern of behavior on my own part. I was taking subconsciously that pattern of behavior with my mother “being the perfect child so you are liked and loved” and I transferred it to my husband and children. I even transferred it to work, thinking that if I just worked harder, smarter, faster, they would like me and treat me better.
You have the ability to quickly change your patterns of thought, and eventually your life experience.
– Abraham Hicks
The first step to change is to recognize your patterns. We all have them. They are a part of our human nature. They begin in childhood. Most of us had that one parent that we wanted and worked at getting to love us. We wanted their attention. We did whatever we had to in order to get it. Sometimes it was being the perfect child. For others it might have been being rebellious, because being the perfect child didn’t get you any attention. You had to be the squeaky wheel. Maybe you were the family clown, to make everyone laugh and defuse your environment in some way. What is the pattern of behavior that you had with that parent? Now look at your life now. How is that pattern of behavior showing up for you?
Once you see the pattern, how it shifts and changes in every aspect of your life, you can begin to shift it. I called my pattern Cami – because she is so good at camouflage. I might think that I have rooted her out, but she still shows up. The thing about patterns is that they have become masters at disguise. So I am always finding her same old pattern dressed up in different clothes. When I find her, then I can scoot her out the door, and work on changing the situation that she has created in my life. It has become a kind of game. I don’t fail at shifting my pattern. She just keeps camouflaging how she shows up, and I get to play detective and find her.
Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I’ve ever been.
– Iain Thomas
Now that I know and recognize the patterns, I see how I have set things up in the past to repeat the pattern of behavior. It was what I was comfortable with. I know how to act and react within it. I find that now I recognize it before it sets itself up. I can sidestep most of it, because I now know what to look for.
The 3 C’s in life: Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice, to take the Chance, if you want anything in life to Change.
– via Curianocom
I recognize that “the everything that has changed” is me. I changed my own self destructive behavior by recognizing the signs before I activated it. When you know what to look for, it is surprising how clearly you can see it. My husband used to clean carpets for a living. Everywhere we went, he would look at the carpets and comment on them. It was automatic behavior. We all have it, and making very small incremental changes to that automatic behavior shifts it into new and different patterns. Slowly over time after he no longer had that job, he just stopped noticing whether a buildings carpets were clean or not. It was no longer a focus of his behavior.
One of the happiest moments in your life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.
So when you look at your own daily routine, what is holding your patterns of behavior in place? What small incremental changes can you make in your life? Do you have the courage to let go of the “safety net” your patterns are holding for you? Do you have the courage to do something different? Do you have the courage to release the chains of patterns of behavior that are anchoring you in place? Great changes in our lives don’t come from remaining in our comfort zone, and it takes courage to walk away from the certainty of our lives, for the unknown that beckons to us.
At some point in your life you’re going to have to start demanding what you deserve and be willing to walk away if what you require can’t be provided.
It really is as simple as looking at your life. You know what you don’t want, even if the knowing what you do want part is not totally clear. You know what you have done to create what you now have. You also know that getting something different is just as simple as asking and then implementing actions to achieve it. You might have a harder time accepting that you deserve the best things in life. But you do. So stop settling for less. If you still have parts of you buried, dig them up. Get to know who you are at the most basic parts of you.
Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely.
– Elite Daily
Be courageous enough to live the life that you have always dreamed about. It might not happen overnight, but step by step, accepting what you deserve and working at the small changes, you will progress to living the life of your dreams.