Who Are You?
Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down. – Charles Kettering
Tests
Isn’t this the truth, that life tests us with nothing and everything? I was thinking of the time when I was looking for work and putting out feelers and nothing was happening, so of course I was stressing out that I would never find work. Then all at once I get multiple offers, and then I was stressing out on how to decide which one was the best job.
So many things are like this – feast or famine. Like the teeter-totter we are down on the ground or high up in the air = but never evenly balanced. Balance in and of itself seems to be something that we are always chasing after – an elusive butterfly that lands on us for a moment and then flies away.
Sometimes if feels like balance just eludes us – and it is usually because we are not living in the moment. Instead we are buried under the weight of our past, or we are busy digging a new grave out of what might be happening in our future.
Instead, wouldn’t it just be so nice to live in this very moment – with this breath – letting go of the past (which you can’t change anyway) and not projecting fears into our future. I love the Mark Twain quote “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
I think that living in the moment, is the moment we have balance. It isn’t that fable that we all believed of work and home life balance, or being wonder woman with being the perfect employee, the perfect wife, and the perfect mother. Most of us who tried that remember what the fall of burnout looks like – it is not a pretty picture.
Balance, is remembering to just take in the breath and check in with ourselves. From moment to moment we can bring it in and just enjoy it. Hahhhhh, I was reading an article today that said it takes 10 breaths to ground and that is exactly how we achieve balance. Allowing in those deep belly breaths and grounding. Hahhhh, then we are connected to our bodies and receive in the earth mothers energy to recharge us.
Dogma
“Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.” – Steve Jobs – 1955-2011, Entrepreneur, Marketer, and Inventor
This quote really got me thinking about definitions of words that we think that we know. To me this word has always had an entirely religious definition. Being that it was the dogma of Christianity or Judaism or Islam. I never really considered using this word outside of that context.
The term derives from Greek δόγμα “that which seems to one, opinion or belief” and that from δοκέω (dokeo), “to think, to suppose, to imagine”. When you look at where the word comes from it really is a much softer definition, than the hard line religious tones that I have always given it, which is “this is an incontrovertible truth” and you follow it to the letter with no questions. An opinion or supposition, is really not the same as a law imposed upon someone with no choice but to believe or be outcast.
But here Steve Jobs is using it as something that we have adopted as our own, but only as the result of other people’s thinking.
So with this thinking if you grew up being told that your choices of employment were being a doctor or a dentist, this could be the family dogma of your career choices. Just those two. Choose anything else and you are a disappointment to your parents, an embarrassment that is only mentioned in hushed tones at family reunions.
Or it could be that this dogma was adopted by you when you were young and someone told you were not good at math. You accepted them at their word, and so you sabotaged every math class to live up to the accepted truth that you are not good at math.
Just think of how all encompassing the dogma’s or “I believe this to be true” concepts that you have in your life. Your attitude towards money as an example. It could be from the family dogma of “money is evil” or “you have to work hard to just scrape by” or “money doesn’t grow on trees” and so on.
Every single fear that we have could be tied to an incorrect belief or dogma that we adopted at some point in our lives as an incontrovertible truth. When you look at it that way, if we took each of those belief systems and changed the dynamics to “what could I think, or just suppose, or I could imagine” statements, then we could see that we can in fact look at that belief from the scientific method and realize that it is just a theory.
Theories are periodically re-examined in light of new discoveries and theories, and they are prone to being revised as new information comes to light. So using this method, we could take up the subject of math. So if you have the belief that you are not good at math, are you “really” stupid when it comes to math?
I used to think that I was completely an idiot in regards to algebra. I just couldn’t get it when I was in high school. Then a few years later I took a business math class at a community college and the professor there was a bright light that actually made algebra make sense. What I realized was that I using it constantly when I was shopping, cooking, sewing – a 20% off sale is an algebra equation. I ended up with A’s in this class, which was a wonder because when I was in high school the math classes were all “C’s” no matter how hard I tried, because I believed that I was stupid in regards to math.
So look at long held beliefs that you have and realize that most of them are “dogma’s” that you adopted at some point in your life. As such take the time to unpack the belief and look at anew with fresh eyes. Is this belief really true when it is stacked up against what other things that you know to be true?
I think that you might discover that like me, you don’t really suck at math.
That you have some beliefs in your belief system that contradict other long held or newly adopted beliefs.
That you have beliefs that you have out grown and know not to be true any longer.
Do a little spring cleaning in the closet of long held beliefs and release those that no longer hold true for you. Create a new positive dogma about how fantastic you are, a real money magnet. You can use those new found math skills to build a wealth portfolio that allows beaches, wine and chocolate to be part of your new daily routine. I’ll join you!
Resilience
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Dr Suess
Has anyone ever asked you what the one thing in your life you would change in your past if you could? What did you answer?
When I have been asked this question, my answer is while there is pain in my life I would rather had not experienced, I would not change it. I think about changing some of the pain that my kids suffered, but then I think about it more.
The reason I wouldn’t change it is because it made me the person I am today. In each storm, the thunder and lightning and the pouring rain made a change in me.
I got to see that suffering is truly optional.
I experienced an deep understanding that you don’t die from tragedy.
I gained empathy for others. I saw the steps that led them to create tragedy in someone else’s life, and I saw that most people don’t realize the consequences of their choices until they have created the hot mess that results. I have seen people fall down a metaphorical cliff and then climb back out.
I am inspired and amazed by other people’s stories. How they take personal tragedy and create an amazing life. A girl goes blind and becomes a marathon runner. Someone who is born without arms or legs goes to high schools and talks to kids about living life to the fullest and how suicide is not the answer. People who would have every justifiable reason to rail against god, turn what we would think as a tragedy into an inspirational journey through life.
So when I think about would I change even my children’s suffering, I pause. I don’t know what that tragedy has changed in them. I don’t know what that tragedy will mean for them in their future. If I took that anyway would they be a weaker person and not able to face something that is still to come?
So my answer is like Dr. Suess, Don’t cry over what has happened, because this tragedy is like a building block. It creates a foundation not upon sand, but upon rock, so that whatever is coming through life’s storms will not be able to tear you down, because you are strong. You have learned from life’s storms to lean on the divine, to ask for help and support from true friends, and that what doesn’t kill you, really does make you stronger.
Life’s tragedies, these storms, may create rough seas, but after the storm is calm water. The sun comes out, the winds die down, and life once again becomes beautiful. Smile because you are victorious and something made new again. Smile because life really is a joyous journey, and you are somebody’s inspiration that they too will survive and thrive.
It is really hard to say this when you are still bleeding from the wound. But as time passes and you heal, that is when the recognition comes. You will see the broken places have healed and altered who you are and you will see the blessings that are there should you choose to accept them. I know that my sister is just now getting to that place from the murder of my nephew.I can see how she has changed, and it will be up to her to choose the blessing his death has brought her. I know what he death brought to me, an awakened spirit that is realizing how much she has yet to do on this earth. The beauty of LemonadeMakers, which has in turn stretched and grown me into someone I never thought I was capable of being, and the knowledge that I am continuing to grow and stretch with this new book I am writing. I can honestly say that without his death, I don’t think that I would be the person I am today.
Commitment
“With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.” Keshavan Nair
I really like this thought that courage is the foundation of integrity. When life goes different than we plan, we often come up against the opportunity to let the changes sweep us aside from our obligations. It takes courage to stand by our word when it is uncomfortable and hard.
I remember personally a situation in our own family. Years ago, when my mom was dying she wanted to stay at home and not go to the hospital. The doctors thought that she had just a couple of weeks left, so having already used up all of my vacation with her, I took a leave of absence from work to help take care of her. The projected two weeks turned into three months.
This was a large enough gap in our income that it tumbled us into bankruptcy. We had the choice to repay our creditors (Chapter 13) who had lent us money in good faith or to walk away from the debts with a Chapter 7. I had the perfect excuse of financial hardship. Most people I knew at that time encouraged us to do just that.
In order to repay everyone in three years it was a significant payment and that meant we would have to live very frugally, but that is the choice that we made. It would have been easier financially to walk away and our credit history would have recovered faster if we had walked away. This has left us with the feeling that we were actually being punished for doing the right thing.
However looking in my heart, I knew that I had to stay in integrity. There were times in those three years when I wished I had taken the easier road, as the kids were mostly teenagers and Alvin ended up having to take a second job just so we could make it.
When I look at it from hindsight I can see how it does take courage to be, and stay in integrity. To honor your word no matter the cost or circumstances takes great moral courage. It teaches you to take a second look before making agreements, because you realize that while at the moment the agreement is easy to make, you don’t know what will change in your future that could put that agreement at risk.
When you commit to have your work done at a certain time; to run an errand; to pick someone up; a multitude of things that we make a commitment or agreement to do. It is easy to say this is such a small thing, and I felt obligated to say yes, and I didn’t really want to do it, and now I really don’t want to do it. Yet it is still a commitment that will affect your integrity.
I am sure that you have heard “as you do one thing is how you do everything”. It is a true parable. When we live a life out of integrity, it is because we started breaking commitments for small things, with whatever handy excuse we had. Once you start down that path, it is all too easy to keep going downhill, and you start breaking larger commitments. There comes a time when people no longer trust you at your word. There comes a time when you don’t even trust yourself at your word.
Your inner sense of wellbeing is impacted, because your own mind doesn’t believe you anymore when you say you are going to do something. It looks at your history and says, Yeah, well as soon as you don’t feel like it, you will walk away from this commitment too.
This is one of the most important things that we can teach our children, by how we live our own lives. When you make a commitment, large or small – the importance of keeping that commitment is critical to the kind of person you are growing up to be. Be a person of personal and moral integrity and you will go far in life.
River of Life Foundation
LemonadeMakers – Andre Sobel River of Life Foundation.
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