Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.
– Earl Nightingale
On our birthdays and the beginning of each new year we take a look at both the time that has passed, and what time might yet be available to us. We think of the dreams we have that haven’t come true yet. We wonder if we have what it takes to get them done. We might even judge ourselves of not being worthy of them coming true. I firmly believe that if God has planted something in my heart to do, then I must have the ability to do it. At the same time I wonder if he’s really, really sure I can do it, because it feels like it is just out of reach. I wonder who am I to go after something that big. Fears creep in all sorts of shapes and sizes to prevent the dreams from being fulfilled.
My son has been visiting with his wife and little dog. They took in a rescue dog about a year ago. He’s named after the pirate in the movie The Goonies – One-Eyed Willie because before they got him he lost an eye. Willie loves cheese. My son will hold up a piece of cheese and Willie will jump up to get it. He will hold it up just out of Willie’s jumping ability and it is amazing how high that little dog will jump for his cheese. At first you think he can’t do it, but he is determined and somehow he gets just a little bit higher and grabs his cheese. We all cheer for him.
When we are pursuing a dream, it has to be something just out of reach. Otherwise it isn’t something that stretches us. Something that we aren’t sure how to do or what to do to make it happen. Like Willie, if we want it bad enough we will find that little bit of extra strength, and leap up just high enough to grab our cheese (dream ) and pull it down into reality.
Take a moment and write this out for yourself (taken from the program DO IT SCARED with my own additions) fill in the blanks at the end of each sentence.
This is the year that I will MAKE ____________________________________________________ (your dream)
This is the year that I will do MORE ____________________________________________ (something positive that moves the needle)
and LESS _____________________________________________________________________ (telling myself if can’t be done or quitting at the least sign of resistance or failure)
This is the year I will CHOOSE _______________________________________________________ (the hard choice to stretch myself)
OVER ________________________________________________________________________ (the easy choice that maintains the same boundaries I now have)
to do BIG things this year, I MUST DO __________________________________________________ (one action, one step at a time) to get started TODAY.
Every year millions of people make New Year’s Resolutions or Goals. If you have ever joined a gym, you see it happen year after year. The goal of weight loss or physical fitness of some sort is made and the gym’s are all packed in January. In February they begin losing a few people, In March a few more and by April the gym is back to what is normal attendance. Why do we make goals each year that after a few months fall by the wayside? And what can you do to make this year different?
So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then when we summon the will they soon become inevitable.
– Christopher Reeves
I don’t think it is just a matter of being something you truly desire. And it isn’t just a matter of will power. Or attitude. Or a million other words that mean essentially the same thing as motivation. It is more complicated than that. Some of it is planning. Some of it is accountability. Some of it is getting past the feeling of overwhelm, because we have so much on our list of what needs to be done or may not even know how to do. Some of it is getting past feeling frustrated when we seem to be stuck in the mud and can’t make any progress. So many other little negative reasons, stop signs, or caution lights that add up to another year, in which we didn’t make any or very little progress towards our dreams.
Don’t wait . . , start your business, write your book, enroll in school, start your blog, choose happiness. You won’t regret starting now.
As we discussed in the previous post the year 2020 is all about focus 20/20 eyesight that allows for perfect clarity, both near and far. Vision that is crisp and clear. To build on our foundation of living a better life, whatever that means to you personally. A year where we can make progress each month and celebrate what we are accomplishing.
A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action makes your dreams come true.
In pursuit of that take the paragraph that you wrote out above and from those words create three big hairy audacious goals for the year 2020. One of mine is to launch The Transformational Life Compass program starting with the first of three programs in February. We did a pilot class in October/November 2019 for six weeks and it was very inspirational. The first course will be for three months. I am really excited about it because I know how much I have transformed my own life using these same tools. I was really excited in watching everyone who participated in our pilot course. They made connections between the archetypes they have been living under, their past experiences, and how self sabotage was showing up in their lives from those archetypes and experiences.
The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called failure. A loop called confusion. Speed bumps called friends. Red lights called enemies. Caution lights called family. You will have flat tires called jobs. But if you have determination, an engine called perseverance, and a driver called God you will make it to a place called success!
Rather than just talking about how to fill in a bunch of answers and creating a goal plan with steps, I would love to invite everyone to a virtual get together and walk you through step by step how I created my own 20/20 vision for myself and for what I would like to accomplish with LemonadeMakers for 2020. Learn how to claim your goals; how to refine them; and how to understand what your motivation around those goals is all about. It’s not just about writing some words on a piece of paper. We are going to brainstorm our way, map out the detours around the obstacles, and fully implement your plan.
Just click below to go to a google form to collect your contact information so I can send you how to get on our Zoom call. I know that if someone gives me something I may or may not make the time to actually do the work. But if someone takes the time to work with me through the material I get some action and forward momentum started. So take this small first step for 2020 and lets make some noise!
What I know for sure is that we all hit walls of failure, fatigue, and flat tires. It helps us to have a few tricks up our sleeves to handle them so that they just create slowdowns and maybe a few detours, but don’t stop us completely. In the movie Star Man with Jeff Bridges there is a line about yellow lights when they are driving down the road. “Starman: I watched you very carefully. Red light, stop; green light, go; yellow light, go very fast.”
Click below and let’s all learn to “go very fast”.
Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes it’s built on catastrophe.
– Sumner Redstone
If you have been following our posts for some time, you probably know the story of why I started writing my blog. My nephew Carl was murdered in a random act of gang violence, literally walking through the park at the wrong time. As you can imagine, this took a toll on our family. In addition to grieving over his death, I was concerned about my sister making it through this tragedy. I started writing through my own grief for both of them on my personal Facebook page and it took on a life of its own.
Persistence can change failure into extraordinary achievement.
– Matt Biondi
After a couple of years I created LemonadeMakers – because when life gives you lemons, you need to make lemonade. At least I did. Every part of life is full of choices. You can choose to hide in the negative or dig for the positive. Sometimes it seems like we don’t have a choice, but we always do. It feels like we are so sunk down into the mud, that mud is all we can see. We then miss the dry ground, the doors that we could open. The chance for a different choice or response, to what is happening.
All I knew was that I had to bring something good and positive and life affirming to the table for myself and my family. Then as I cleaned the mud off of me, I saw the need to bring this to others, because we are all going through something. Maybe not as tragic or violent as my nephews murder, or maybe something even more so. So a dream was born that just maybe I could help others, inspire them to make their own brand of lemonade.
Love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort and keep on learning.
– Carol Dweck
As LemonadeMakers has grown, so have I. It has challenged me to work on my writing skills. Believe me, I have heard from many readers when the grammar is incorrect, or the misspelling made it through spellcheck. I think I have proof read something 10 times, and then I am reading an old post and see something that I missed. It has helped me grow a thicker skin, and let go of the need for perfection and so many other lessons.
Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
– Joshua J. Marine
2019 has come to an end and I wanted to talk about how you keep going, growing, and expanding your comfort zone from day to day. In 2019 my birth father died and I had to let go of the dream I have had for over 55 years – that some day he would call me and tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be a part of my life.
I have been caring for my bonus father (I don’t like the step part of any label, as though it is less than the real thing) and his health has been steadily deteriorating this year and he has been in and out of the hospital. He is starting to lose brain function and it breaks my heart.
This August we found out that my husband of 46 years has prostrate cancer. It is outside of the prostrate and so surgery isn’t an option and he is starting radiation therapy. He was a long haul truck driver, so he had to retire a little sooner than we were planning on.
The entire year I have been working month to month, each month waiting to hear if this is the month I get laid off work. I have worked for the bank for 15 years and they keep extending the lay off, and they also keep telling me it is coming.
Failure is not the opposite of success; it’s part of success.
– Arianna Huffington
When you add this year up, it has pretty much sucked. I am sharing this with all of you for a couple of reasons. I know that I am not the only one that had things go sideways in her life this year. I think it helps when you know you are not alone in walking and sometimes crawling through life’s storms. I also wanted to share with all of you some of the great things that happened this year, the times when the storm clouds parted and the sun shined for a brief moment reminding me that storms don’t last forever.
Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time. But it is the ability to resist or use failure that often leads to greater success.
– J.K. Rowling
I stepped out and made a video about “Catching the Perfect Wave”. I tried to do a couple of webinars, which failed dramatically with no one or only a couple of people attending. I discovered my own way of doing things, rather than just following in someone else’s steps of how things should be done. I learned a lot and really expanded my comfort zone around talking and teaching with groups of people.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal; It is the courage to continue that counts.
– Winston Churchill
I created a pilot program about transforming your life. It centered on the first ring of the Transformational Life Compass, which is all about the labels we live our lives around, the archetypes in our personalities and how to see how we are sometimes our own worst enemy in self sabotaging our life. We granted scholarships to 22 people and while everyone didn’t show up and some didn’t finish – I think it was a great success. The full program will start in February and I am really excited about the life transformations it is going to create to those brave enough to come and join us.
Important achievements require a clear focus, all-out effort, and a bottomless trunk full of strategies. Plus allies in learning.
– Carol Dweck
I think that 2020 is going to be a turning point year for a lot of us. I love the thought of 20/20 vision, focus that is crisp and clear. The ability to see both near and far without fog distorting the images. So how do we take all of the lessons of 2019, the good, bad and ugly experiences and build on that foundation something even better?
The only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.
– Michelle Obama
For the start of the year, to give us all 20/20 insight and vision of what we can accomplish in this brand new year, I am designing a workshop. It will give all of us working together the tools of how to plan out the new year. What to do when the lemons start falling off the tree and hitting us in the head.
There is a military proverb that says something like “in war the battle plans only survive until the battle begins”. Every year we make goals or resolutions to make changes in our life. It might be for health, or education, a better job, working on our marriage, raising children, buying our first home and so on. Those goals or dreams seem to survive the first month or two of the year and then they morph into something unachievable and unrecognizable.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish, except the limits you place on your own thinking.
– Brian Tracy
With everything going on with my job, my husband, and my dad, I could put my dreams for the next step for LemonadeMakers on hold. I could put my entire 20/20 focus on these very important personal things in my life. I could just let LemonadeMakers struggle along until my personal life got easier. I put my writing on hold for too many years. I refused to do that in 2019, and I won’t do that in 2020. I am in a marathon and there comes a point in running where if you keep going, you break through into a new level. I want to share with you how I did this in 2019 and how I plan on it in 2020.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
– Eleanor Roosevelt
So stay tuned tomorrow for Part Two, to read about some of the tools I use and that you can use too – I can’t wait to share everything with you!
And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this! And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important.”
– Ian Thomas
What we all need to realize, is that the lights of the passing ships are mere distractions preventing you from living your life to the fullest. They are the battles that you fight each day, but which do not lead us anywhere. When we honestly realize how asleep we are in our lives, those are the moments when you can begin to challenge the ongoing distractions and bring focus back to the stars – the lights of our true destination.
In a world deluged by irrelevant information, clarity is power.
– Yuval Noah Harari
It’s like someone has set up a circus tent in front of us. You hear the chaos of the music and the shouting barkers telling you about what’s happening in their tents. You hear the shouts and screams of people as they spin and circle and go up and down on the rides. You smell the funnel cakes and cotton candy and popcorn. Bright lights spin on the games as they encourage you to step up and try your luck. So many distractions that you can’t hear yourself think. All of the bright shiny objects promising you the moon, if you just come nearer and pay attention to them. It is a constant battle for your attention. Who wins? The one you pay attention to.
It is those who concentrate on but one thing at a time who advance in this world.
– Og Mandino
I love to ride the roller coaster. To watch the performers with the animals. To see the daring artist high up on the trapeze dancing across the wire. There are lots of fun and exciting things that we can do in our life. What we have to decide is are they part of our goals and dreams, or are they just fun distractions that keep us occupied, distracted. Are they keeping us occupied so that we are not making the changes and transformations that we need to make in order to achieve the life of our dreams? Are they fun things that we should be saying “no” to?
The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.
– Bruce Lee
Are we living our life with laser-like focus? I always think of Bruce Lee when he is in his stance about to engage with someone in battle. He doesn’t hear the sounds around him. He doesn’t see the bright shiny objects trying to distract him. He see’s only one thing – the man in front of him that he’s about to engage in battle with.
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
– Marcel Proust
Remember the movie City Slickers? Remember Curly, Jack Palance’s character? I love his famous line –
“Curly : Do you know what the secret of life is?
[holds up one finger]
Curly : This.
Mitch : Your finger?
Curly : One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don’t mean shit.
Mitch : But, what is the “one thing?”
Curly : [smiles] That’s what *you* have to find out.”
When you are pursuit of the “that one thing”, then the rest of the world fades away. We don’t see the lights of the passing ships – we are laser focused on that star – that bright shining light in the night sky. We no longer wander through the circus seeking distractions. Now we are traveling for fulfillment. We are seeing the world with new eyes. New eyes that are open for the first time to the many doors of potential and opportunity that we missed when we were being distracted by the circus.
But I’ll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you’ll come to understand that you’re connected with everything
– Alan Watts
That is kind of what the movie City Slickers was about – those men had gone asleep to what was important in their lives. They were living by distraction, not laser-like focus. The meaning of life can be found in many things if we are awake and looking for it. It tends to show up when we are out of our normal element. Going off on a day trip to the mountains, the beach, the desert. Away from the day to day of our life. Away from the distractions that follow us around.
Be addicted to your passions, not your distractions.
It is when we can get quiet that a connection is possible. We finally see the truths we have been avoiding with the distractions. We discover that the thread of destiny in our life, is where the laser-like focus really begins to take shape. That “thing” that we not so much latch on to, as it latches on to us. We are pushed, pulled, and prodded until finally we realize that we have no choice – we have to live the life that brings our destiny into fulfillment.
Tomorrow becomes never. No matter how small the task, take the first step now!
– Tim Ferriss
If like the character in City Slickers you don’t know what that “one thing” is, go find it. Go somewhere quiet without any of the normal distractions in your life. Sit and think about your life. Dig up all of your old dreams that you abandoned as not being possible when you failed the first time. Reconnect with your passion, the thing that liberates your energy and your spirit. The thing that inspires hope in you again. When you find it, do everything in your power to stay connected.
In life, people tend to wait for the good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out.
– Neil Strauss
Let the circus roll on by. Don’t stop for the Carmel Corn or the Hot Dog. Don’t go on the rides, or play the games, or watch the circus clowns climb in and out of the clown car. Keep your eyes on the stars, and not the passing ships lights. Clarity, focus, making things happen. That’s how you keep your eyes on your stars. Ignore the circus as it shouts to you about what it thinks is so important. Once you understand your own destiny, your secret of life, don’t let that connection go. Remember that the best view comes after the hardest climb.
So remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see, and wonder about what makes a universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.
– Stephen Hawking
If every morning we wrote out this simple sentence starter “I have no limitations, so I am going to . . . ,” just imagine what you might accomplish in a year. Everything you do is connected to something. Every choice you make impacts others. You just have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.
When you make a difference in someone’s life you make ripples. You’re not only impacting their life, but the lives of everyone they touch. Remember – even the smallest drop of water effects the entire pond. One small act of kindness, makes a world of difference.
I was reading a book where the writer was talking about having to make 30 sales calls in a day when he was going door to door selling encyclopedia’s. He in turn used that same concept when he was in business promoting an entertainer. How he would contact different venues to hire his client. He said that if you really did 30 calls you would get mostly “no’s”, but you would also by laws of average get some yes’s. I thought about this concept in regards to failures. What if we said that for every new thing we tried to learn how to do, we expected to have to try 30 times to be successful? What if every failure was celebrated to being that much closer to success?
The universe responds to our inner yearnings by mysteriously bringing people into our life to answer our questions and help quell our conflicts. Every time you follow your intuition, your personal vibration intensifies. This can be likened to turning up the volume on a stereo. The more your personal vibration is intensified, the more you will pull people into your life who carry messages for you. It is a universal law.
– Denise Linn
What kind of difference would it make in your life, if you viewed failure as the path to success? Not just lip service, repeating a mindless mantra – but truly walking down that path. Can you feel the stones under your feet as you are walking? Can you smell the clean scent of the air after it has rained? Can you feel the warmth of the morning sun as it heats up the day? Are your hands touching the flowers as their fragrance is released by the afternoon breeze? When you are in this space of manifestation, that is when the doors of opportunity start showing up in your life. People come into your life and mysteriously provide you with the exact thing that you need as you are walking down this path. You see a book that answers your questions. You dream about something and then the next day you are walking down the street and there it is.
Always be like water. Float in the times of pain or dance like waves along the wind which touches its surface.
– Suntosh Kalwar
Faith is trusting without knowing. When you trust without knowing you make the world alive with possibilities. Creativity comes from curiosity. It is living in the moment. It is not getting overwhelmed by the millions of steps between where you are and where you are going. It is not letting the enormity of your vision scare you into not even starting the journey. Your vision might take you over Niagara Falls in a barrel. It might have you traipsing through the jungle looking for Dr Livingstone. Or climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. Going into the ocean depths, deeper than anyone has even gone before.
The mind is like water. When it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it’s calm, everything becomes clear.
– Samreen Zaidi
Our actions have far reaching effects. The shifts we make in our own personal lives, the transformations and changes we implement successfully ripple out into the world. We show what is possible. Our example gives someone else permission to do their own shifts in transformations. They begin to see how they in turn impact the world. A few years ago Oprah had a few shows that talked about kindness. It started with paying for someone’s coffee behind them in line. There were reports of “random acts of kindness” that ran on for hours because each person in turn would do the same for the person behind them.
Every tidal wave begins with a ripple…, make sure the ripples you create in your life are what you want coming back to you; because eventually…, they will return.
I love movies that demonstrate this and I think that is why they end up on everyone’s favorite list. Princess Bride, demonstrates to all of the characters that your actions come back to you. That if you persevere through the hardships it all comes right in the end. The classic heroes journey of the Star Wars Saga; The Butterfly Effect, how every action creates another and another as we chase after what we want in our life. How unforeseen reactions alter our journey time and time again. Groundhog Day, where reliving life over and over finally gets the main character to recognize that he needs to make changes in his own life.
When we focus our energy towards constructing a passionate meaningful life, we are tossing a pebble into the world, creating a beautiful ripple effect of inspiration. when one person follows a dream, tries something new or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels that energy and before too long they are making their own daring leaps and inspiring yet another circle.
– Christine Mason Miller
Each of us in born to express our own inner truth. When we live a life congruent with that truth, we are part of the larger plan, the grand design. The more that we seek to expand, to grow into that design, the more we are living out the life God designed for us. Each of us has an inner compass, and when we are living a life that matches our inner values, then that compass is pointing to true north. A life of purpose being fulfilled.
I have accepted fear as a part of life – specifically the fear of change . . . I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says turn back
– Erica Jong
Take a pen in hand. Write out this sentence and complete it – If it weren’t so risky I would try ___________________________. Write this out with five different answers. Now contemplate this list. As they said in the old Mission Impossible series on the tape recorder – Your mission should you choose to accept it is . . . take the first step in making one of those five things happen in your life. Be a ripple that shifts the world.
As fellow travelers on the road of transformation, we here at LemonadeMakers have been checking our course against our mission, vision and purpose. As part of that “checking in” we discovered it was time to take our purpose to the next level.
We are proud to announce a scholarship for our pilot training course,
“Embracing the Chaos of Transformation”
Complete your scholarship application before September 20th to be considered for the program.
When you take compass headings, check your map and determine the next part of your course, you realize that you have gone off course. You have sunk into the comfort zone.
In order to create the kind of life you want to live, you have to focus on what’s important to you. To maintain harmony in your life and stay on course, means that you need to examine where you are in your own personal hero’s journey.
Self-transformation is a lifetime journey. It’s the never ending story of who you are, and more importantly, who you are becoming.
As you travel down this road you will reach what I call “way points”. These way points are the places where you check in, and get supplies for the next leg of your journey. Where you pull out your map to see that course corrections need to be instituted.
Unless you have not moved at all, you will need to make some adjustments to get back on course. That’s because the “dragons of resistance” are always at work. Fears, distractions, addictions, just the contrary winds of life in general – it is all designed to take you off course.
Complete your scholarship application before September 20th to be considered for the program.
Part of checking your course is to see where your own map is ending – the edges of your own comfort zones. While you may have expanded this zone in the past, you are now needing to expand it again. It is time to reengage the battle, to face off with your dragons of resistance.
You have a sense that deep inside of you is a second self. An unlived you. Your authentic self.
The dragon of resistance doesn’t want that authentic self released. LemonadeMakers has created a program to help you learn to recognize your own personal dragons of resistance. LemonadeMakers is offering you the opportunity to join us in our pilot course to assist you in finding that authentic self.
We receive requests for training from people (like you!) who want to navigate their lives with love, inspiration, and peace. In order to help with your staying on course, we at LemonadeMakers are starting a training program using the Transformational Life Compass as a guide.
It’s been a process, and we are now ready to offer a very limited number of people (20 only) free access to the pilot program of the first section of the course, which is designed for a 6-week course. This is a great chance for you to experience a world class life transformation opportunity for free (The full course when released, will be for one year and enrollment fees will be $3,000.00.)
Complete your scholarship application before September 20th to be considered for the program.
If you looked at the ancient mariner maps, you would see at the corners of the map, a warning. “Here there be dragons”. As the hero of your own journey you are going to face those dragons.
What was your first reaction to reading the $3,000 fee for the year long program? Did your dragon of resistance raise his head and roar at you?
On the field of transforming yourself, stands a hero and a dragon. You are the hero and resistance is the dragon. The dragon confronts you every single time you want to start on a new journey of self-transformation. Every time you expand your comfort zone. Every time you make a new goal, a new dream. Resistance will make itself known.
You will hear many roars from your dragon – fears labeled no time, no money. It feels safe when you are invisible, average, because then your dragons fire can’t burn you. Every fear that your dragon bellows at you has some part of reality in it. Some vestige of truth that has been stretched into an illusion by the dragon of resistance.
You can use these dragons of resistance as the needle of a compass to what your God-given destiny is pulling you towards. You know that this God-given destiny is not average. You deserve better than average.
You can use the dragon of resistance to guide you to that calling or purpose. A good rule of thumb is how the more important the call is to your soul’s evolution, the more the dragon of resistance is going to show up.
The dragon is out to destroy the reason you are being called: the living out loud of your divine destiny, your personal genius, the soul’s gift you have that no one else on this earth has but you.
You will know if this course is right for you, by the level of resistance you are currently feeling to discovering more about your authentic self.
You are on a lifetime journey of discovery. There is always something new to learn, discover, uncover and reveal about who you are and why you are here now.
This course is designed to help you fill in the gaps.
Your work is to learn more about your personal vision, your dreams of who you want to be. To ask what’s missing?
Ready to check out your personal destiny map? To widen your comfort zone? To confront and tame or destroy a few dragons?
Complete your scholarship application before September 20th to be considered for the program.
Complete your scholarship application before September 20th to be considered for the program.
No Matter how bad things are right now
No Matter how stuck you feel
No Matter how many days you’ve spent crying
No Matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different
No Matter how hopeless and depressed you feel
I promise you won’t feel this way forever
I don’t know about you but I am a huge Lord of the Rings fan. I read the books when I was a kid. I was excited when the cartoon versions came out in the 70’s and over the moon when the movies were made. The composer of the music did a fantastic job. It really moves the emotions inside of you. I can listen to the music and see in my minds eye the scene as it unfolds. I know when something bad is happening, when they are triumphant in battle, when someone has died or when hope is being born again – it’s all there.
There’s a ripple effect of new thoughts. A tidal wave of new feelings. the demons are being tied up and gagged. I’m just not sure how to handle the new. I thought the old was here forever. I don’t recognize that woman in the mirror, she smiles more than I, laughs more than me.
Music frees you in a way that nothing else does. It encompasses all parts of life. So it is no surprise that there is music for the storms that hit you in life. Music for going to war; for peace accords being signed. Music for giving birth and for saying goodbye to a loved one. Music to study by and music to get your groove on. Music reminds us that there is a time for everything. A time for it to feel like your soul is being ripped from you body, to be torn apart so that we can come back together in an even more spectacular way. A time to heal the broken bits into a new whole that is bigger and better than we were before.
Even now, as broken as you feel, you are still so strong. There’s something to be said for how you hold yourself together and keep moving, even though you feel like shattering. Don’t stop. This is your healing. It doesn’t have to be pretty, or graceful. You just have to keep going.
– Maxwell Diawuoh
In the middle of a storm you can’t control what’s happening, but you can challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is. That’s the true meaning of courage. The quality of your life, your legacy is how long the ripples continue that you made while you lived. What kind of music are you composing? Are you pushing outside the comfort zone and daring yourself to try something just a little bit scary everyday?
Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. to have the hard conversations.
– Brene Brown
When the storm is battering us to bits, it’s important to just breathe. Don’t lash back out at the storm, it’s ineffectual and doesn’t stop the storm from swamping your boat. Just breathe. Breathe deeply in, holding it for a moment. Then breathe out, holding it for a moment. Just keep breathing. Listen for the music of your own wind chimes. They will remind you that no matter how much it feels like life is beating you, you are creating beautiful music.
Doing good holds the power to transform us on the inside, and then ripple out in every-expanding circles that positively impact the world at large.
– Shari Arison
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It doesn’t mean that you can’t do it alone. It means that you realize that you aren’t meant to. When we are in pain and allow others in, it creates connections. Connections are vital to creating the beautiful music. Music is filled with bridges that connect the story and flow of the piece. The harmony of the music is created by bridging together different instruments, different voices. Sing out your song courageously and don’t allow the fear to overwhelm your song.
There are two basic motivating forces, fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.
– John Lennon
Our sense of self acceptance is demonstrated by our levels of connections. The more connections we have, the more self love and self trust we have. So keep taking deep breaths to settle your emotional responses. Allow your heart and soul to reconnect to your brain. Allow yourself to release the fear and take in the love – love of yourself first and foremost, which makes room to love others.
When you truly love life and people – you start a ripple effect that changes the life of another . . , who in turn changes the life of another . . , until one person and ripple at a time the world is changed.
– Chris Atkinson
The depth of love we have for ourselves and others can be measured by the depth of authenticity that we show up with in our lives. I believe that every day we have miracles show up in our lives that we don’t see or don’t acknowledge. By showing up with gratitude for what life is revealing to us and about us, we turn the storms into rain showers.
Every time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and . . , those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.
– Robert F Kennedy
We all have stories worth telling, but when we hold back from telling our story we degenerate the experience, both for ourselves and how it could help others weather their own storms. When we present the perfect face to the world; the perfect family, “no problems here” kind of picture, we are not allowing for the rain. We have created a false dome of protection from the rain so that it doesn’t fall on us. We are in effect saying to others that we don’t get wet. We are not storm blown here. We are just perfect. We are in denial, we are contracting. We are not allowing for new growth to happen.
Be the drop that freely falls and becomes one with the water . . , you might not be able to perceive the ripples you have created right away but the water will allow you to feel how their love comes back to you again and again.
We need to not only allow for the rain, we need to be in gratitude for how it clears the air. How it waters the plants. How it fills the streams, lakes and oceans as part of the natural cycle of life. In order to create the ripples that change both ourselves and others, we need to show up and be seen. We need to show up fully in our lives, always allowing for the growth that comes from being watered. The expansion of creation in our lives. That is the contribution that we can all make. To be able to contribute from a place of love, the birthplace of creativity and change.
Just as ripple spread out when a single pebble is dropped into the water, the actions of individuals can have far reaching effects.
– Dalai Lama
No matter how happy someone may seem, they have moments when they question if they can go on. No matter how confident someone may look, there are times when they feel insecure and unsure. And no matter how strong someone may appear, they have days when they feel like they’re falling apart. Never think for a moment you’re alone with your struggles. You’re not a mess. You’re human.
– Lori Deschene
Most of my friends and relatives consider me a very positive person. Someone who can handle whatever life throws my way. A person who will look and look until she finds the silver in the silver lining of the cloud. But there are days when I think that I am not capable of helping myself, let alone others. There are days when I feel like I am not having a positive impact on anyone. There are days when I look at everything I am trying to accomplish with my life and wonder why I am bothering – when it feels like I am working so hard and getting nowhere fast.
To attract loving and connected relationships, we must first embody the love and connection we seek.
= Dr. Debra Reble
Those days happen to every one of us, no matter how strong we think or others think we are. When they do happen, I have a story that I pull out to remind myself that I am creating ripples even when I don’t know who those ripples are helping.
A couple of years after my mother had passed away, a friend that used to babysit my kids when they were little and she was a teenager, lost her daughter (a senior in high school) in a bus accident. She was having a really hard time and we were talking about her loss. I really don’t remember what I told her, but I know that it had to do with something I had brought out of the loss of my mom on how to deal with grief and heartbreak.
Years later she was at my mother in-laws funeral and she came up to me to thank me for those words. She remembered them all. They helped her through the dark tunnel of her grief. I had no idea that anything I said could be that impactful. I know that with her own experience she also was able to give those words to others when they were dealing with overwhelming grief. What I don’t know is how many ripples those words have made in the lives that they are still continuing to impact.
Make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive, nourishing and uplifting people – people who believe in you, encourage you to go after your dreams, and applaud your victories.
– Jack Canfield
To be truly happy, you must have connection in your life. First the connection must be to you. To your life purpose. To personal growth. To being the best possible you, that you can be. Self love, self trust, being honest with yourself. Then connection to friends, family, to a mission, vision or cause is vital to live a life that brings us satisfaction, fulfillment and happiness.
It’s also about the way we think about things that are happening – are they happening “to us” or “for us”? Do you look for the silver lining? Do you assign the best possible meanings to what you see and hear around you? Or does that negative mind talk take over and make us feel unwanted? Like we are a mistake, that all we do is make mistakes, that everyone is judging us?
Don’t focus on what’s wrong. Things may not be perfect but be grateful for the opportunity to experience each day. Live each day like it could be your last.
– Joel Osteen
What so many of us do, is see ourselves only through the lens of our past mistakes, our regrets and failures. You are so much more. There is a beautiful person hiding inside each of us that is vulnerable and afraid. Fears of not being worthy, not enough. Fears of being hurt because someone hurt us in the past. Whenever this beauty seeks to emerge we push it back out of a multitude of fears.
Think of the caterpillar all wrapped up in the chrysalis. He has transformed into a beautiful butterfly. It is time to break open the lining, spread out the wings to unfold and dry, and take flight. But in fear he keeps grabbing the sides of the lining to try and stay hidden. It’s a scary world out there. What if he is the one butterfly that can’t fly? What if he falls out of the chrysalis and goes smashing down on the ground? What if a passing bird eats him? All these fears overwhelm him and he tries to hide himself to keep him safe. Yet the real danger is in staying hidden.
Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations.
– Brene Brown, PHD, LMSW
Just like this butterfly, we think that we are providing safety hiding behind a mountain of buried pain. It is time to tear down the mountain. To remove every single brick of the walls that we have built up. To put down the suitcase of our past and walk burden free into our future. It is time to spread your wings. It is time to fly into the future you are meant to have. Yes there will be failures as you learn to soar, but you have the potential and gifts to live a life full of possibilities that become your reality. But nothing will happen, until you try.
Resolutions for the Soul – No more what if’s…, no more wondering what if I tried that, started that, said that, told that person how I really feel, went on that adventure. No more wondering what if. Starting now, we do it, try it, step out, start, take the risk, make the leap. We make a vow to stop living wondering, what if…,?
– Rob Bell
Quit collecting every painful word that is spoken to you or about you. Quit putting meaning to thoughtless words and actions of both yourselves and others. Since every experience is seen through your minds eye, change your mind and start collecting hope. Start putting the best meaning possible into what you hear. Start viewing your world through the lens of compassion, both for yourself and for others.
Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.
– Elizabeth Gilbert
When you focus on leading a creative, positive, inspirational life fear is going to raise it’s head. Fear is always triggered when you pursue change. Change is growth and growth is something to be happy about. Do you remember as a child standing against the wall and measuring how tall you were? How you would measure yourself against your friends and family members who were taller than you to see if you had grown to the same height or gotten taller? You couldn’t wait to grow. Instill that same feeling into your own personal growth. Fear hates it when it doesn’t know for absolutely positively how something is going to turn out. Uncertainty is something that fear can’t stand. But you can change your relationship with both fear and uncertainty.
Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.
– Brene Brown, PHD, LMSW
We call it “Catching the Perfect Wave”. When you surf you learn to read the water. To know how the wave is going to go as it moves towards the shore. You learn what waves have the potential to be the perfect wave. Watch our video on Catching the Perfect Wave. Join our Facebook Group and enroll in our webinars and online classes.
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So how do you believe anything is possible? How do you see opportunity instead of risk? How do you take flying leaps into the unknown without having overwhelm knock you back down? We reframe the fear that is activating the belief that something is impossible. We reframe the fear that tells us what we want is too hard to do; that what we are thinking of doing is too risky. We reframe the fears that are creating the feeling of being overwhelmed.
You know what the issue is with this world? Everyone wants a magical solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.
– Alice in Wonderland
Reframing is one of those things that is both simple and hard at the same time. Every hero story needs a villain. Something to overcome. We think that we would all love the easy answers. A perfect life with a GPS system that told us where to go and what to do. But in reality that would be very boring and we would feel like we were living a caged life, because we were not given the freedom to make our own decisions.
Stop worrying how it’s going to happen and start believing that it will.
It begins with our having faith that what we are looking for is possible. That what we have been searching for in a dark cave with a book of matches for a light is just ahead and everything will be OK, even though we only have one match left. It is plain and simple a leap of faith into the unknown. That belief that we will land on something that will hold our weight so that we can continue our journey.
The strongest factor for success is self-esteem: Believing you can do it, believing you deserve it and believing you’ll get it.
Have you ever been going somewhere with the GPS system in your car telling you where to go? If you are gong on a long trip and you get off the freeway to eat, take a bio-break or get fuel for your vehicle it goes crazy trying to get you back on the scheduled directions. Reframing is taking our GPS system which is telling us to go from point A to point B and reprogramming it for some additional stops. Places on the map that are invisible but there just the same.
Just because the past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to, doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you ever imagined.
Have you ever completed a big remodel project? You start out with a plan and design of how everything will be done. You start tearing down the bathroom walls and floor and you discover that your $10K remodel just changed to a $20K remodel because all of the plumbing is cast iron and has to be replaced because in the past 50 years it has a decayed.
It’s okay to be a glow stick. Sometimes we have to break before we can shine.
That’s what life changes are like. You start out thinking that you want to make a small change in your life. You get started taking down all of things that no longer benefit you in your life and you discover a pattern you didn’t know existed, (which has behind the scenes) is what has been keeping you from making those important life changes.
Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us.
– Wilma Rudolph
Your small change just became a major remodel, because you need to reframe this life pattern so that it doesn’t continue to let fear of change, of overwhelm, of not being good enough, to continue to define who you are. The good news is that this reframing of your life means growth, and growth signifies change is finally happening. You discover your hidden potential for greatness is an area that you never knew existed.
Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe the one reason it will.
What’s important during a period of reframing is to “see” or create a vision of what exactly you want your life to look like. What sort of bathroom floor do you want? What kind of tile for the shower floor and the walls of shower? What kind of lights and fixtures? What kind of vanity? What does your ideal dream bathroom look like? Don’t focus on the plumbing issues. Don’t let the cost overruns overwhelm you. Reset your focus to see the ideal outcome, the end of the project, the finished bathroom.
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.
– David Brinkley
Reframing looks at what everyone else might see as a series of mistakes and failures. Instead by reframing it we see a series of lessons. Each one building on the other. Taking each of these “bricks” being thrown at us – both by others as well as our negative fear infested minds – we instead begin building a secure foundation to hold the structure we are making outside our comfort zone by accomplishing our goals.
The only limits you have are the limits you believe.
– Wayne Dyer
As a professional procrastinator I will take something that might take anyone else a few hours to do and blow it up into a month if not years project. First by doing research and more research, and then a little bit more because you can never have too much knowledge. Then by creating a perfect plan, and then revising it a million times because it just needs one more tweak because you can’t have too much attention to the smallest detail. I build up the fear of failure until it creates to bridge to the moon. Then because I can’t hold back time any longer I am pushed to finally do something.
Do not let the waves of doubt wash away your authentic self.
What if I reframe the possible mistake or failure? What if I reframe everything that has gone wrong already and that will go wrong in the future? What if, instead of letting doubt control my life, I look at everything as just an experiment? What if, instead of being afraid, I am curious? What if every project is like taking a beacon of water and adding a drop of this chemical or that one to see what happens and writing down the results in a notebook? What if this is just a series of lessons rather than errors? What if I give myself the freedom to learn each lesson and just keep creating the next experiment?
Life is like the ocean. We can’t control the tide, so we might as well learn to surf.
If I am going to learn to surf through my life, how can I learn to catch the perfect wave? What is the perfect wave? Come and take a peak at our next conscious conversation all around “Catching The Perfect Wave”.
Turn the tide on mediocrity.
Break free of the riptide of your past.
Start living from a “bucket list” instead of existing with a “to do” list.
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Transformation literally means going without form. I have always thought that the Grand Canyon is such an excellent example of transformation. The water through glacial ice crushing into solid rock and breaking the obstacle apart. The power of floods, vast rushing volumes of water, carving out passages through solid rock. In some areas like this photo, it carved around when it couldn’t go through. Wind also scrapes out tiny pieces at a time, until the solid rock breaks apart and falls down into the ravines. The Red Rock Canyons in Utah are amazing. It looks like the rock was liquid and someone swirled it around with their fingers as it hardened into fantastical shapes.
The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.
– Jim Rohn
In life we build up these walls – like the rocks in the canyons and then we say that they are insurmountable. Too high, too steep, too dense, too solid to change. We sought protection from our fears, we wanted to be safe and secure. We didn’t realize what we were sacrificing to get it. Our dreams, our freedom, our joy and happiness. All laid on the altar of peace and security. We didn’t realize the obstacles we were creating to hold us in place.
If it weren’t for the rocks in its bed, the stream would have no song.
– Carl Perkins
At some point, we realized that the life we have, isn’t exactly what we thought it would be. Instead of seeing life’s obstacles as opportunities to learn something, we saw them as reasons to stop trying to change. Now, we want to make changes in our lives. We want to transform ourselves, to fill the hole in our hearts and souls. We can feel we are missing something vitally important. The voice of our heart has been speaking, screaming really, to get our attention. We think that maybe we hear something far off in the distance that fades away every time we pay attention to it. We are sure that if we can just get closer we will be able to hear what it is saying.
Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
– Joseph Campbell
What we discover along the way of overcoming obstacles is that is the place where most of the joy in our life journey comes from. The overcoming the struggles and life challenges can get us excited, they can energize us! They are what makes us know that we are truly living life, and not just existing.
We dream of the perfect wave, the perfect job, the perfect house. and when we get there . . , We dream of something else.
– Rob Machado
It starts with a dream, a wish to change something. Many times it starts with something material that we think will make us happy. But it doesn’t and so we move on to the next thing and the next thing. Until the day that we discover we want to make a difference in the world. To help those in need. To leave a legacy that says I lived, I loved, and I mattered. The greatest gift we can give the world is a transformation of our own selves. Our video, “Catching the Perfect Wave” is all about this kind of transformation. It’s a conversation about listening to the voice of our soul.
When you stop avoiding the conflict and difficulty, brick-by-brick you are tearing down the wall of fear.
– Brendon Burchard
What we find is that what ever we do to save the world (whatever the causes are that tug at our hearts), starts with saving us. What we find is that like water, when we show up in action every day, transformation happens. Sometimes we may be like rushing white water, pushing bricks out of our way. Sometimes we may be like the slow drip, drop by drop burrowing through the stone. Whether it is ice, rain, sleet, snow, steam, fog – whatever form it takes, it is a creative process that leads us to growth.
The world will provide you with stones every day; what you build out of it is your outlook – a bridge or a wall, it’s up to you.
The action of our movements flow over the top, slide around the sides, and burrow underneath as we travel to our destination. Water flows to the sea. We flow towards our purpose, our destiny. It is possible to demolish the walls that we built. We can create a lasting true transformation in our lives.
You cannot be wimpy out there on the dream-seeking trail. Dare to break through barriers, to find your own path.
– Les Brown
Each new day awaits our choices of who we are going to be. We can choose to be weak, behind our wall of safety. We can choose to be empowered and take down the wall. We can choose to break the mold that is holding us back and to redefine who we are.
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
I love this quote below by Neil. Filling our lives with magic and good madness. I think that we have to be slightly mad to go against the norm and be someone who reaches for the sky to fulfill their dreams. A little magic is quite helpful when you are doing that. Above all surprise yourself!
May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.
– Neil Gaiman
There are a million waves to surf. How do you find the way that is the most fun for you? To be able to say, “I know this is what I want to do for the rest of my life”, to know of the freedom of living your life totally on purpose. To know the joy of living to your full potential. To know that the best wave is still out there waiting for you to discover it. Come over and test the waters with our next conscious conversation about “Catching the Perfect Wave”.
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It’s turning out to be a bad day, a day when the sun feels like teeth.
– Jennifer Egan
Sometimes I have a day where every mistake I made in the past year shows up at my doorstep, all at once. It is overwhelming as they are all vying for my attention. All I hear is the screaming inside my head competing with the screaming happening in the chaos around me. My self-esteem takes a nose dive, as it scrambles away, trying not to get trampled by the growing crowds of people asking if I know what I am doing?
Never underestimate the power of a good outfit on a bad day.
What do you do when you have those days? I decide to make snow angels. If I try to shovel my way out, the snow just keeps falling and in a few minutes I can’t even tell where I was shoveling. It becomes overwhelming and it doesn’t get me out from under the chaos. We all have this habit of assuming the story our head is telling us is 100% true. That we are not smart enough, pretty enough, just plain not enough – just a loser with a big L on our foreheads.
We let the less than 1% of negative overwhelm the more than 99% positive and we start shoveling and digging ourselves in deeper and deeper.
And now, after everything, I know this. There is a reason I am here, and the reason is bigger than me. So I will carry on with great faith beyond what I can see, in pursuit of bold courage for the adventure in the journey.
– Morgan Harper Nichols
When I have those days, I can’t dig myself out. So rather than beating myself up, calling myself names like loser, screw up, worthless and so on, I choose to go a different path. I make snow angels. I give myself a forgiveness pass. I give myself compassion. I acknowledge that I am only human. I love the Christina Perri “Human” song. Sometimes “I crash and I break down”. That is the best time to make snow angels.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
– Dale Carnegie
I loved the Mark Twain quote where he says that 99% of his worries never happened. So maybe today, what happened was just that it was “the less than 1%” negative day. Statistically they happen. When they do, thinking of what good things the future holds for you is also important. Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet. What milestones are you looking forward to and what can you do today to bring them closer to reality?
When you think things are bad, when you feel sour and blue, when you start to get mad . . , you should do what I do . . , Just tell yourself, Duckie, you’re really quite lucky! Some people are much more . . , oh, ever so much more . . , oh, muchly much-much more unlucky than you!
– Dr Suess
Humor is critically important. Not thinking so much of yourself is vital. We tend to blow up whatever has cascaded in our life into Niagara Falls, when in truth it’s a tiny waterfall in a pond. So when you’re feeling sad, just remember that somewhere in the world, there’s someone pushing a door that says pull. Just visually thinking of someone pushing the pull door makes you smile – doesn’t it?
I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept.
– Jeffrey R. Holland
Keep a memory book of your good days. When my kids were little we called them zipity do dah days. The days when you could be in a Disney cartoon movie dancing across the stage with a catchy happy song. These are the days to pull out for emergency purposes. They are like the oxygen masks that drop out of the holder on a plane. You put them on and you can breathe again. You can slow down the panic. You are not dying. It’s just a bad day and it’s not the end. Hold on to those good days and the warm feelings they generate, like a toasty fire they will fill you with warmth and peace. Remember, you are who you choose to be.
When you fall asleep tonight, I want you to think of at least one good thing that has been good today. It might be difficult and you might think that there’s nothing but, however bad a day has been, there’s always one thing, even if it’s a tiny thing, that has been good, and sometimes it can be helpful to remind yourself of that as you fall asleep.
We all tend to let the negative overwhelm the positive in our lives. When we have a bad day, it is important to instead find the positive in the day and let it balance out the negative. It is the proverbial silver lining in the day of thunder and rain storms. Even if it is as simple as someone smiled at us, it is there waiting to be picked up so it can shine its light upon us.
Sometimes you need some time alone (except for the company of a tree or a bird) to sit quietly and try to figure things out.
– Karen Salmansohn
It is amazing how a long walk through nature can help us clear our heads. Keep walking until the negative mind talked has talked itself out. Then you have the space to step outside of the rushing river of pity and see what is really there. Accept where you stepped wrong. Just let the river carry away the things that don’t belong to you. The broken branches, tree roots, and miscellaneous garbage that the storm waters pulled into the water. If it isn’t you today, then let it all go. Now ask yourself, what positive step can I take to fix what can be fixed, apologize for where I was wrong, and let the past stay where it belongs, in the past.
When you own your breath, nobody can steal your peace.
This is such a simple statement, but the power and wisdom in it is amazing. If you are letting others shovel snow on you, that is where the first change needs to happen. You need to own your own breath. Once you have accepted responsibility for what part of something is yours, then the rest of it doesn’t belong to you. If you don’t let it go, it steals your peace. It steals your breath, your life. So if any area of your life is not peaceful and conducive to making snow angels, you can decide today to stop. To take back your breath. To hug tightly to your snow angels and embrace peace.
My To-Do List For Today
– count my blessings
– practice kindness
– let go of what I can’t control
– listen to my heart
– be productive yet calm
– just breathe
Demand your inner voice start listening to what is acceptable in terms of the inner you. To actually completely engage in a life of self-exploration, you need to get curious. To ask questions that dig deep into the soul level. To unravel one thread after another. If you want to go beyond the surface of answering these questions, join us in our next “Catching The Perfect Wave” online course. We dive deeply into exploring transformation and listening to our souls voice with weekly group calls to go beyond the simple answers and explore what we all have hiding beneath the surface.
Last April I went to my birth fathers funeral. He died of complications of dementia. I hadn’t seen him in years. My parents divorced when I was four years old. Despite all of my wanting him to be a part of my life, it just never happened. Many reasons, excuses and stories – too many to go into here. What I wanted to talk about from my own experience is the feelings of being a child of divorced parents.
For me it was very painful because I blamed myself for the divorce. I thought it was something I did. Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, there are probably a lot of people in the world who grew up like me, thinking that they somehow caused the divorce. I didn’t realize that I believed this until I had kids of my own. Lots of self analyzing and trying to figure out where my self sabotage patterns originated revealed it to me. My adult self knows that it isn’t true.
My dad like a lot of fathers remarried another women with children. They became his family as is right. Unfortunately, my stepmother didn’t return the favor and the few times I went to their home it was clear I wasn’t wanted. It was clear as a child, as a teenager and as an adult when I visited with what should have been her grand-kids, we were not welcome.
So my dad and I became completely estranged. It broke my heart. For me at least, I always wanted my dad to say he wanted me in his life, and then to try to make that happen. I had the fantasy that once I was an adult and he didn’t have to deal with my mom, that he would show up and be the dad I always wanted. I didn’t realize how much of that fantasy was lying beneath the surface until I found out he had died.
Wintercearig is a Norwegian word meaning winter-sorrowful describing that feeling of deep sadness comparable to the cold of winter. I think that the death of the fantasy was harder than his physical death. I solaced my heart that he had dementia, so there were probably close to 10 years that he didn’t remember me. Grief is a slippery animal though. It comes and goes when you least expect it. I know he wasn’t a happy man, and I know how hard my mother could be for him. I just wish it could have been different, and that they could have put aside their own pain for my sake.
In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer – Albert Camus
I am working my way through winter of my loss. Part of that process is to pull out the gold from the dross. To find the invincible summer in my story. To make Lemonade from the lemons. My disappointments in my childhood and the letting go of the fantasy as an adult are part of who I am. I can talk to this with total compassion, because I have been there. I learned to appreciate the good qualities that my mom and dad had, and let go of the expectations that they would ever become who I wanted them to be.
To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake it is necessary to stand out in the cold – Aristotle
Pain has a lot of lessons to teach us. I remember years ago I was talking with one of my sister in-laws about forgiveness. She stated that if her husband ever had an affair that she would never forgive him. That she would divorce him. I told her that with big decisions in life, we think we know what we would do. But until that moment arrives it is all speculation. The reason for that is how connected everything is.
It isn’t just that someone had an affair. You would have to look at all of the circumstances around what happened. There are so many things in your relationship with your partner, what is going on at work, with the larger family – what are the stresses of life that weighed in on someone so that would do something that would destroy their life? When something this devasting happens and you look at all of the possible choices you have to face, many times we do not do what we thought we would. You have to stand out in the cold, and really look at every single crystal of the snowflake to make a decision. Like the snowflake, the breaking of the marriage bond is different for every couple with no two alike.
The future lies before you, like a field of fallen snow; Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show – Unknown
My experiences in life gave me a little bit of a soapbox in regards to fathers who don’t see their children. The damage it causes those children affects them every day of their life. Many of us don’t realize how much, until something happens that brings it to the surface. I had thought I had given up the fantasy of my dad showing up on my doorstep one day, saying “I love you and I want you to be part of my life”. It was still apparently a running program in the background, taking up energy.
So if you are divorced and you aren’t connected with your children, make the sacrifice to do whatever it takes to be a part of their lives. Just show up, with no excuses. With no blame, except to say “I’m sorry”. It may take awhile before they trust you again, because even if you didn’t mean to, you broke their heart. But if you put in the effort and keep trying, eventually they will open the door.
And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. that’s what this storm’s all about – Haruki Murakami
When I am processing pain, grief, sadness, I write. This is something I am still working on, but I wanted to share the work in progress.
Maybe you are like me, a daughter or son, who just wanted to be told that they were loved, that they weren’t a mistake that could just be thrown away, that they were proud of who you became.
Maybe like me you just wanted them to show up at your door and say Hi.
A note for my Dad
I learned to say goodbye at an early age
To hear “love you, see you soon” knowing in my heart it wasn’t true
Looking out of the back window of the car as mom drove me away
Silent tears wishing I was still with you
It’s a broken road my mom and dad have made
I’m tired of feeling disloyal loving you both, being torn between you two,
I feel my frailness crumble as you both pull me apart
My heart is torn, broken with your hammers beating it to pieces
Years go by with a few hours here and there
Visits so short they can’t even be remembered
How many times I reached out to you
Only to hear the deafening silence.
The sharp thunder of glaciers breaking up and falling into the ocean
The cold became the color of blinding whiteness
I waited for the your presence, the phone call, the letter, anything
To hear you say “I’m here and I love you.”
Deep sadness covers me like a layer of snow
Leaving my heart cold, pain frozen into arctic ice
Daddy why did you die and leave me alone
Never to hear those words, “love you, see you soon” fulfilled?
I think I will miss you forever, since we never got to say goodbye
Wishing you had been a constant presence in my life didn’t make it happen.
The gift you gave me in passing me by in forgetfulness,
Is seen daily in my being a part of my own children’s lives
Lack of forgiveness causes almost all of our self-sabotaging behavior.
– Mark Victor Hansen
When I first read this it took me by surprise. I thought but self sabotaging behavior is what I am doing to myself. Why would lack of forgiveness be behind it? So I went to my earliest memory that created the pattern of “it isn’t safe to be seen”. Okay my logical mind threw into my face, how is this created from lack of forgiveness? I had walked into my moms room after I woke up from my nap at 4 yrs old and exposed her adultery. From that experience came the life self-sabotaging pattern “it wasn’t safe to be seen”. Bad things happened according to my 4 yr old little girl, since soon afterwards my parents divorced. What did I have to forgive myself for?
A critical key to achieving success lies in your ability to activate your potential to create the results you seek . . , start by being aware of your self-sabotaging patterns.
– Lauren Mackley
For years I had thought that I was responsible for the divorce. As an adult I finally learned that what caused the divorce was that my mom got pregnant and my dad had gotten a vasectomy, partly because he thought my mom might be betraying him and partly because there were four little girls and he thought that was as big a family as they wanted. So when she got pregnant, it was pretty apparent that he was right. So even though I had wrongly assumed responsibility for the divorce, I knew I wasn’t. So why lack of forgiveness for the continuing pattern of being invisible?
Self-sabotage is the proverbial hammer over the head that finally wakes us up, demanding that we pay attention. For most of us, it takes something devastating to crack us open, to get us out of our minds and into our hearts.
– Debbie Ford
What I discovered as I dug into this thought, was that this had layers and layers of lack of forgiveness. Unfortunately what you will discover when you unwind your own patterns of self sabotage, it that it is never a “one and done” kind of journey. Every single time I think that I have unwound the tangled mess around fear of being seen, a new thread of yarn appears and I am again unwinding some small aspect of this pattern to discover another thought, such as this one. If the pattern is still showing up, then something is still attached waiting for me to find the end of the thread and being unraveling it.
As painful as it is, it’s easier to live in a world of unfulfilled potential than to open yourself up to the possibility you have no potential. It’s easier to tell yourself you “would” have done better if “if” you’d worked harder, than to work your hardest and see what happens. It’s easier to tell yourself you “would” be happier with your body “if” you are healthy, than to eat healthy and see what happens. It’s easier to tell yourself your life “would” be better “if” you woke up early, than to wake up early and see what happens. The fear of failure is worse than failure itself. Be willing to fail so you can see that you probably won’t and if you do, that it’s really not that bad.
– Sam Brown
Entwined within the pattern of “it’s not safe to be seen” is fear of failure. I find fear of failure is like that weed that you can’t get rid of. It sneaks into everything. A lot of people think that fear of failure is simply what it says, the fear to fail. But hidden within that weed is another noxious substance that feeds into my “it’s not safe to be seen”. It is fear of success. The fear that if I am successful it will put me into the spotlight and that spotlight will follow me around like a hidden camera just waiting to expose some defect. It invites attention like the circus barker with the mega phone calling everyone to come under the big tent and watch as Sheryl tries to fly to high on the trapeze and falls to her sudden death. All of those people will sit on the edge of their seats just waiting to find a flaw with my performance. To tell me in detail about my inadequacies. To in short, put me back into the comfort zone never again to explore my hidden potential.
Like most other creatives, I struggle with self-sabotage, self-doubt, and feeling like an imposter more often than not. I struggle with expressing myself, because it does sometimes feel easier or safer not to.
– Jeff Jarvis
Everything is negotiable, you have a right to stand up and say, “this doesn’t work for me”. If you want to make changes in your relationships with friends or family; lay down rules at work to how you are treated; get out of the debt that is ruining your life, or any other situation that has become just too much – you have to do a reality check on yourself. It is an inside job. I know that it sounds like that isn’t the answer, but our self sabotaging patterns set us up to get the same experiences over and over, designed to keep us in our comfort zone. You might think it is the “other” person who is making us miserable. But you have to stand up and start asking for what you want, not what the self sabotaging habits are telling you that you deserve.
This is how women self-sabotage and self-destruct. Unless we have constant witnesses to our hard work, we are convinced we pull off every day of our lives through smoke and mirrors.
– Sarah Ban Breathnach
I spent my entire childhood both trying to be the perfect child, and trying to do whatever my mother was failing to do with my siblings. I became the mom I thought we should have. I was the “one” my mother would constantly tell me she could count on. The hidden message that I had gotten from my mom was that if I was too much trouble, if I made any waves at all, she might divorce me too. She was married five times, so that was my social proof my fear was real.
Your create self confidence by
doing instead of procrastinating.
doing instead of over-planning.
doing instead of self-sabotaging.
doing instead of complaining.
doing instead of feeling sorry for yourself.
One day I decided that wasn’t going to buy into my story anymore. I changed my expectations one inner dialogue at a time. Whenever I felt the spotlight, I turned into it instead of away from it. When I got the criticisms, instead of letting it beat me up, I said “today I am a mirror to their problems and they are finding their own faults in me”. I looked critically at what was said or done (like if the silver spoon had any spots that needed polishing) and thought, ok – “if one thing in this dialogue might be even partly true, what would it be”? Then I would see if I could find that thread in my self sabotaging pattern and work on just unraveling that single thread and let the rest of the editorial go into recycling.
This is a reminder to myself that I don’t have to be negative, or worry, or argue, or self-sabotage.
It’s ok to be happy and to have fun and to just enjoy life.
– Hanna Anerod
I started creating self-confidence and owning who I am, and that who I am is a “perfectly imperfect” person. I will make mistakes. I will have failures. Spellcheck will fail me. My grammar will drive someone crazy. Even though I read through this blog 20 times, it will still have some mistake. And someone who isn’t putting themselves out there like I am, will catch it for me. And I will say thank you, because I still want this to be perfect, even if I’m not. I will grow by stepping outside my comfort zone. I will have huge successes. I continue to worry about loving myself and I will keep letting go of the feeling that everyone else has to love me too or I am not worthy.
At some point in your life you’re going to have to start demanding what you deserve and be willing to walk away if what you require can’t be provided.
= R.H. Sin
Interpret this quote only to how you treat yourself – amazing to put a different spin on something that was written for those outside of you. Demand your inner voice, your patterns, your self-sabotaging habits start listening to what is acceptable in terms of the inner you. To actually completely engage in a life of self-exploration, you need to get curious. To ask questions that dig deep into the soul level. To unravel one thread after another. If you want to go beyond the surface of answering these questions, join us in our next “Catching The Perfect Wave” online course. We dive deeply into exploring transformation and listening to our souls voice with weekly group calls to go beyond the simple answers and explore what we all have hiding beneath the surface.
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